Freeze Jokes

A frozen dinner

She puts in in the microwave.

So… when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his “Cooling Card”

He’s 0k now.

Just ice.

Just-ice

They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Sliding tackles.

But then again, hell actually might freeze over.

After all no one likes cold Fries.

So I gritted my teeth

An ice Kareem clone

A quick way you can get this is by eating an ice cream…

or by trying to say the medical term for brain freeze.

And my mother in law definitely showed signs of going bad, officer.

It was a logical thing to do.

because they have ANTi-freeze

We’ll be 0K!

Noticeable.

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

“On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, including the ones about the parrot in the deep freeze, the insulting parrot, the 300-pound parakeet and the parrot whose last words were, “Who moved the ladder??” I even made up a brand-new parrot joke while watching this movie. A parrot has a memory that will only hold the last two things it has heard. A guy buys him, puts him by the front door and tests him. “One, two,” the man says. “One, two,” the parrot says. “Three,” says the man. “Two, three,” says the parrot. “Four,” says the man. “Three, four,” says the parrot. Then the guy shouts to his wife: “So long, honey, I’m going to the office!” When the guy comes home, what does the parrot say?”

I’ve wanted to solve the punchline to this since then. I never thought to just write him and ask him. , hopefully a humor-lateral thinking mind here can figure it out?

He’s 0K now

He always thought he looked cool.

Back in the early 70s, a programmer was able to build several complex systems and was heavily compensated for his work. Throughout the years, he put his knowledge to work and was able to fix almost any problem thrown at him. Unfortunately, however, he learnt from his doctor that he was slowly dying from cancer. The cure was not available at the time so this programmer took his doctor’s advice and was experimental frozen in the hopes that he would be thawed out and cured. His money was frozen with him.

Some time passes and the programmer suddenly feels cold. “It works!”, he thought, “I am being unfrozen!” He falls to the floor and is helped up by several men and women wearing tech gear he has never seen before.

“Hello, we unthawed you hoping that you could help us solve a bug in our bank system. You are the only one with enough experience to do it”, said one of the men. “In exchange, we will cure your cancer with electrotherapy invented around the 2400s”, he added.

Rejoicing, the man asked several questions about their stack and development process and when he will be learning the new technology. He also asked if c++ and java were still around as they were his favorite languages. Laughing, the bank manager said that, with some exceptions, none of the major languages of your time are used anymore. He then said, “Don’t worry though, you don’t need to know this. Our bug is in COBOL and you are the only one for the job. The last guy who fixed it was thrown 16 feet through the air in 2998 by the undertaker during a hell in a cell match.

I mean, justice can’t be spelt without “Just ice”.

That person would be 0K

Suddenly he freezes and starts staring into the distance as if he saw something between the trees. He doesn’t say a word then, just sometimes he gives me a quick look as if to say, “Man, did you see that?” I usually stood next to him like an idiot, staring at the same spot, wondering if there was something wrong with my eyes. After a while, he looked away and returned to the trail without a word, and I couldn’t even ask what he saw because he was a dog.

I dont know about you but iscream

They turn blue.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

Your computer.

(Actually mine freezes as well)

….taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.

“The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a row”

Furious, the American grabs the paper and skims through. Suddenly he starts laughing, so the Russian asks “what could you find? I obviously won!”

The American hands him the paper and points to an article which reads

“Repeated conflicts on the Chinese-Polish border”

My friend thinks I’ll die, but I think I’ll be 0K.

And it was 0k.

A man is having trouble with a polar bear roaming around his remote cabin, so he calls up a famous polar bear behavior expert to ask about the best way of trapping or killing it.

“First, you have to wait for winter. You have a river or pond near your property?”

“I do,” the man acknowledges.

“Good. So what you do is, once it freezes over, drill a big hole in the ice. Then get a can of peas – any brand will do – and sprinkle them around the edges of the hole. Polar bears love canned peas.”

“And what then?”

“Then when the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.”

Because somebody left Windows open.

The bear takes a seat at the counter while the bartender stares. The bear looks at him and says, “Hey pal, how ya doing? Can I get a Martini? House vodka, please.” Bewildered and in awe at a talking bear in his bar, the bartender finally spits out, “Uh, yeah. Yes, of course,” and starts making it. He brings the martini to him and sets it on the bar. The bear takes a sip of his drink and nods his head sideways expressing a small distaste for it. He puts a 20 down, “It’ll just be the one for me today.” The bartender takes the money, goes to the register and thinks to himself: This is a bear. There’s no way he’s been to other bars, I mean, he’s not a part of society! How could he know what a martini costs? I’ll bet he wouldn’t know the difference if I charge him extra. He hands the bear 2 dollars for change. The bear pockets it. “You know, we don’t get a lot of…bears…in here.” the bartender says, still staring. The bear finishes his drink and says, “Well, 18 dollars for a house martini, I would think not.”

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

So I wasn’t surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror “Oh God, help me!!!”

Suddenly, everything–> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. “So all your life, You deny My existence, yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry, My son, but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. “Well, God, if it is too late for me to become a Christian, how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again, and the bear immediately stops its roaring, kneels quietly and respectfully, and begins speaking. “O Lord, bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”

Cancer.

Gildford from 13 th century

Edit: oh god wait what is he doing

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers “There’s a bear right behind you!”

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, “I can explain. Bear with me.”

Interviewer: “Is that him over there?Wow, what an absolute unit!”

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

“Oh look” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser”.

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells:

“Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!”

A laptop.

The driver asks him:

“–Boss, I’ve driven you around the country for over 10 years. I’ve listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You’ve never talked in this city. I bet I could do the talk instead of you without nobody noticing. And if I succeed you’ll pay me double for the trip. If I don’t, this one’s for free.”

Bored and with nothing better to do, the scientist ends up agreeing, believing the chauffeur didn’t stand a chance.

They switch clothes at a reststop and once they arrive, the driver goes to the stand while the scientist sits in the audience.

Miraculously, the chauffeur delivers the talk in an almost perfect way. No one seems to notice.

At the end, a mic is passed around through the audience for some questions, and the driver answers them all correctly, until a young professor poses a question he has never heard before. He has no idea what the answer is. He freezes before scratching his head, taking a deep breath and saying:

“Dear colleague, I don’t mean to offend you, but that question is so insultingly easy, that I will let my chauffeur in the audience answer it for me.”

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Ottawa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.

“No problem…just like Ottawa in June,” the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Ottawa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.

“No problem. Just like Ottawa in July,” the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, “No problem. Just like Ottawa in August.”

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Ottawa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Ottawa man replies…..

“THE SENATORS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”

“THE SENATORS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in “Do Not Disturbed” mode

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Mark.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Mark?”

“Marijuana from Colombia.”

“Very well son, come in.”

Another soft knock is heard.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Matthew.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Matthew?”

“Cocaine from Bolivia.”

“Very well son, come in.”

At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?”

“It’s John.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring John?”

“Crack from New York.”

“Very well son, come in.”

Someone starts pounding on the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Judas!”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Judas?”

“FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!”

“Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.

“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance… sure you don’t want to consider the other options?”

“Oh I will… when hell freezes over.”

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting “Oh, my God!”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.