Fountain Jokes

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.

“What do you think you’re doing. There’s a public toilet fifty meters from here!”

The man, amazed, yells back.

“What do you think I have, a hose?

You aged well!

…and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says “Abbot I’ve sinned”. The Abbot replies “Well how have you sinned?”. The man replies “I stole money from a shop”, “Go and drink from the fountain and you’ll feel better.

The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.

The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says “Abbot I’ve sinned” the Abbot replies “Well how have you sinned?”. The man answers “I peed in the fountain”.

Unfortunately, he drowned.

The officer brings the first fish in for questioning. He asks, “Alright, what’s your name?” To which the first fish responds, “Fish”. “Okay, Fish,” the officer replies. “Can you tell me what the hell you were doing in the public fountain??” The first fish smiles and says, “I was blowing bubbles, sir.” The officer laughs at Fish, shakes his head, and asks the first fish to leave.

The officer brings in the second fish. Again, he asks for the fish’s name. The second fish says, “Fish Fish”. “Okay,” replies the officer, “What were you doing in the public fountain, Fish Fish?” “Well, sir, I was just blowing bubbles,” states Fish Fish. The Officer frowns as he begins to question the abilities of his partner. He tells the second fish the leave his office.

The officer then asks the third fish to come in for questioning. As the third fish sits down, the officer scoffs and says, “Let me guess, your name is Fish Fish Fish and you were also blowing bubbles in the fountain.” The third fish raises his eyebrow and replies, “No, sir, I’m Bubbles.”

While in Germany, an American tourist saw a man peeing in a fountain.

“GROSS!” She said.

“Danke!” He said.

Two friends decide to throw a party to celebrate them getting their new flat and invite everyone they know. One of them prepares a huge bowl of punch for everyone and the other brings a soda fountain that he just bought.

The party rolls around and everyone is enjoying themselves; all of them in a huge line to try out the soda fountain right next to the big punch bowl that no one even touched.

The one friend sits slouched in the corner of the flat with a glass of punch. The other one walks up to him and says, “Hey, are you not enjoying the party?”

He looks up and says, “Everyone is lining to use that new soda fountain you bought, and not a single one of them has even tried the punch that I specifically made for the party…”

The party goes on with everyone still using the soda fountain and not a single person lining up for the punch bowl.

That’s it. There’s no punchline.

Broke out in acne.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk’s office. There’s a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. “How much to build the fountain?” asks the clerk.

“Three thousand pounds,” the builder replies.

“Break that down for me,” says the clerk.

“I will,” the builder says. “One thousand for me, one thousand for materials, and one thousand for labor.”

The clerk nods and says “Wait outside.” He leaves, and the next to be interviewed is the builder from Mayo.

“How much to build the fountain?” asks the clerk.

“Six thousand pounds,” says the builder.

“Break that down for me,” says the clerk.

“I will,” says the builder. “Two thousand for me, two thousand for materials, and two thousand for labor.”

The clerk nods and says “Wait outside.” He leaves, and the last to be interviewed is Casey, the master builder from County Cork.

“How much to build the fountain?” asks the clerk.

“Nine thousand pounds,” says Casey.

“Break that down for me,” the clerk says.

“I will,” says Casey. He leans back in his chair and gives the clerk an easy smile.

“Three thousand for you, three thousand for me, and we’ll give the job to the man from Galway.”

“But captain,” a crewmate said. “Are you sure the fountain even exists?”

“Hmm,” Ponce pondered. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe this trip would be a waste of time.”

“So, are we going back?” The crewmate asked.

“No, we’re not going home empty handed,” Ponce replied.

“So, what are we going to look for now?” the crewmate asked.

“We are sailing to find a McDonald’s with a working ice cream machine,” Ponce proudly declares.

“Uhh, are you sure you don’t want to look for the Fountain Of Youth?”

They were running around a big fountain. I told the man to hurry up because the dog is very close.

The man replied confidently: “Don’t worry, I’m 2 laps ahead”

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the tourist, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the policeman.”Just follow me”. He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”

“No sir,” replied the police officer, “that is what we call the French Embassy.”

…with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.

He pulled out two coins and handed me one saying that we should both make a wish.

We flipped our coins and, after a brief pause, he turned to me.

Dad: “Guess it didn’t work.”

Me: “Why?”

Dad: “You’re still here.”

Only God knows what the other one does with it.

But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”

At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest called on the first nun.

“What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.

“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied.

“You are forgiven. Go bathe in the holy water.”

He called the second nun to him.

He asked her sin and she replied

“I danced around the square naked.”

He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.

The priest called the third nun to him. The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably. The priest asked what sin she had committed. When she got her laughter under control she replied

“I peed in the holy water.”

die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, “If the math teacher gets this, imagine what I might get!” So he follows St. Peter past a row of large houses, a row of suburban houses, a row of small houses, a row of houses for rent, a row of apartment complexes, and all the way to a row of tree-houses. St. Peter shows the priest to a small tree-house. The priest is baffled, and says, “WHAT!? The math teacher got a MANSION!”

St. Peter replies, “We grant houses based on the amount of people you get to pray, and the math teacher got more people to pray then you ever did.”

Because he’s a Schwimmer

They all have their birthdays the same week, so when they turn 50, they decide they would go every ten years to celebrate at a fancy restaurant.

The first time, when they turn 50, they have a discussion about where to go.

Friend 1: Let’s go to the *Thai Orchid*, I heard they have really good food.

Friend 2: No no, we should go to the *Bengal*, the service there is excellent.

Friend 3: We should go to the *Waterfront*, I heard they have amazing pizza.

Friend 4: Guys, guys… we absolutely HAVE to go to the *Tropical Fountain*… The waitresses there are pretty… hmmm, you know what I mean…

They agree that this is indeed an important point, so they decide to go to the *Tropical Fountain* and they do indeed have a jolly good time.

Ten years later, when they turn 60, they discuss where to go once again.

Friend 2: We should go to the *Tropical Fountain* guys, they have outstanding wine there!

They don’t even argue about it, they go to the *Tropical Fountain* and have a jolly good time.

When they turn 70, they discuss where to go once again.

Friend 1: I believe we should go to the *Tropical Fountain*, the view on the sea at sunset is strikingly beautiful!

They all agree and go to the *Tropical Fountain* and have a jolly good time.

When they turn 80, they honour their tradition once again. One of the friends proposes:

Friend 4: Fellas, we should go to the *Tropical Fountain*, they have wheelchair access.

They agree that the above mentioned restaurant is the best possible choice, so they go there and have a jolly good time.

When they turn 90, they decide to go celebrate their birthdays again and have a short discussion about where to go.

Friend 3: Hmpf, I think we should go to the *Tropical Fountain*… We’ve never been, we should check it out!

when he runs out of water. He is worried since the next town is not for 10 miles, so he is beginning to worry. Just then, however, he sees a man on a camel in the distance. When he gets nearer to the man, he sees that he is carrying bags full of neckties.

r>”Please, sir, can you spare any water?” the traveler pleads desperately.

“Sorry, sir,” says the man on the camel, “I’m only selling ties.”

The disappointed traveller continues his journey, hoping he has enough energy to reach the town. About half an hour later, though, he sees another man on a camel, who also happens to be carrying ties.

“Please, sir, I’m so thirsty,” he says, “just a sip of water?”

“Sorry, son, I’m only selling ties.”

The traveller continues for another 15 minutes until he sees a THIRD man on a camel, who is ALSO carrying ties.

“Please, sir, I need water now!” the traveller says.

“Sorry sir, I’ve only got ties. Seeing as you seem to be in trouble, though, I’ll sell you one for half price.”

“No,” says the traveller, “I haven’t got any money anyway.”

The traveller continues and is about to give up when he comes across a beautiful building. When he gets closer, he sees that there are people inside having a good old time, laughing and eating. It’s a restaurant! And in the centre, there is a huge fountain with all the water he could drink. People are scooping water out of it with their glasses!

The traveller enters the restaurant, finally feeling safe, when the host walks up to him and says “sorry, sir, you can’t come in without a tie.”

…soda pressing.

Let that sink in

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him “Hello! Thank goodness you’re here. I am a beautiful princess who has been cursed by a witch. Only a kiss will turn me back to my human form. Please kiss me and let me return to my people!”

The engineer blinks, smiles, picks up the frog and tucks it into his shirt front pocket. Having finished lunch he begins a walk around the campus in the sunshine.

The frog furrows its brow. “Um… maybe you didn’t hear me. I am a princess! Please, kiss me and make me human again. I am sure my people will pay handsomely for my return!”

The engineer pats the frog on top of its head and begins to whistle.

The frog panics. “Please, I beg you, I cannot be a frog any longer. Kiss me and I will marry you. You will be royalty and will want for nothing the rest of your days.”

“Look froggie” The engineer finally says…. “I’m an engineer. I wouldn’t know what to do with a girlfriend… but a talking frog? now that’s really cool”

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

One mucks around in fountains,

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said “My poor friend, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”

Now she’s Forever 21.

None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain

there was once a prince who had been cursed by a witch. the curse was that he could only say one word each year

well one day, by the stream, he meets a beautiful princess. he decides that he loves her, and doesn’t speak for 3 years so that he can save up the words to tell her ” I love you”.r>

then, after the 3 years are up, he realises that he wants to marry her so he stays silent for another 4 years, so he can ask ” will you marry me?”

well, the day finally comes. he’s so excited, and he’s kneeling by the fountain with a smile on his face.

he looks up at the princess and says, I love you. will you marry me?

silence for a second, before she responds sorry what was that?

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators – making the engineer a pretty popular guy.r>

One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin down there in hell?”

Satan snickered back, “Things are going great actually. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there’s no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him back up.”

To which Satan replied, “No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I’m keepin him.”

God retorted, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs loudly and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?”

The devil welcomes him and says:”Let me show you around a little bit.” They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. “This is your house now, here are your keys.” The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:”No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!”

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. “These are your cars now!” and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says “Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?”.

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says “Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!”

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil “What is going on there?” The devil just shrugs and says: “Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way”

I haven’t come across a solid lead in my 547 years of searching.

Schools, fountains, bathrooms, everything.

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some time, the three friends decide to have a picnic. They find a nice spot by a fountain, but, before they can settle down, Jake accidentally steps on one of the miniature ducks, which was waddling out of the fountain. Saint Peter immediately appeared, and said to Jake that, as punishment, he would be married to the most ugly, mean single woman in all of Heaven. Then, both Saint Peter and Jake vanished with a flash.

John and Jack continued the picnic in silence, both of them feeling extremely scared, and triple-checking the ground for ducks before taking a step. However, despite their caution, John still stepped on a duck, who was sneaking up behind him. Saint Peter appeared again, and took John away to marry the most ugly, mean single woman in all of Heaven (not the same woman as Jake had married to, since that woman was no longer single).

After a few centuries of duck-avoiding and caution, Jack decided to take a walk by the same fountain which he, Jake, and John had once taken a picnic beside. However, just before he stepped onto the path to begin his walk, Saint Peter appeared. Jack pleaded to Saint Peter, saying that he had never stepped on a duck, and shouldn’t be married to the most ugly, mean single woman in all of Heaven. However, Saint Peter said he would do no such thing, but was going to reward Jack for not stepping on a duck by marrying him to the most beautiful, nice single woman in all of Heaven. Saint Peter snapped his fingers, and they were immediately married.

After a few decades of living happily together, Jack asked his wife how he could ever deserve her, and why Saint Peter had married him to her. His wife answered, “I don’t know either – the last thing I remember before being married to you was stepping on a miniature duck!”

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does…

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or some old friend he’s had very bad memories with

Our lonely man decides to go to a wishing well in the park, hoping the wishes are real. He tosses in a coin, and says amongst the air around him “Please, can I have a friend who is pure and rare. Who will always be the sweetest person ever. But who I have no memories with, so I can start anew.

Nothing happens for a minute, as expected.

As all hope seems lost, the wishing well then shakes and crumbles, and out comes a mysterious voice saying

“Wish granted. Turn around and walk 30 yards to the fountain where you will find your wish has come true”

Hysterical, the man does so, and lo and behold the mysterious voice was right- there was his friend!

Grateful, the now-not-so-lonely man says

“Thanks for the gold, kind, stranger!”

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him “Bic Jesus”

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons tour, only to find out that he hadn’t sold a single ticket yet.

Devastated, he took to the streets to perform and hopefully drum up some interest in his show. Everywhere he went the people would hardly look at him, no one would shake his hand, watch his performance, or even acknowledge his increasingly desperate carnival barker-esque calls for attention.

No one gave any attention to his tricks, not the moving mark, the blinking blot, or the blue to black bamboozle.

The magician gave up late afternoon when he got hungry and found an old man with a food cart.

Frustration was visible on the magicians face so the old man asks “what’s got you down?”, the magician responds “I’ve been selling out shows throughout Europe but here people won’t even take 30 seconds to watch my Stupefying Signature trick, no one will shake my hand or even look at me, if I’d have known I would never have come here”.

The old man smiled kindly and told him “do not be hard on yourself, there’s no way you could have known, my friend”

“Why do you say that?” inquired the magician?

“Because no one expects the Spanish Ink Wizard Shun”

would your hands get wrinkly?

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in the nearby fountain.

His royal robe, the milky white toga, was not milky white anymore.

He looked shabby, unworthy of a Roman emperor.

He walked around the city, unable to come to terms with geometric palaces, strangely shaped chariots and oddly clothed people.

He tried to speak to a few of them, but they ran away as if they’d seen a ghost.

He wandered the streets, trying to read signboards in a language that seemed familiar yet alien.

And then, he found a store with fabric on display – something he recognised from his shopping escapades back in the day with Cleopatra.

The overjoyed Caesar barged into the store and walked up to a man who seemed to be in charge.

“Get me a new toga, humble robe-man. Your emperor needs new clothes,” roared Caesar

The store manager looked Caesar from top to bottom, and whispered, “𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘕𝘦𝘸, 𝘙𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯.”

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6. Never answer an anonymous letter.

7. It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

8. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.

10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

20. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

21. Nuke the Whales.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30. You can’t have everything; where would you put it?

31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You’re sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don’t like being around a lot of people, I get nervous and tend to sweat a lot. Besides, I didn’t want to be here in the first place.

Finn: You really need to get your game together dude, try talking to some people, socialize!

George: No I really don’t think that’s a good idea, I’d rather-

Finn grabs him and drags him to Sophie, a girl Finn knows that George has a crush on.

Finn: Hey Sophie! You remember George right?

Sophie: Of course! Hi George, what’s up?

George: You k-know just the u-u-usual.

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Finn (whispering): Tell her she looks pretty.

George: You look great!

Sophie: Thank you! You look cute too!

George: Yeah you too!

Sophie: You just said that.

George: What?

Sophie: You know you told me I looked great so I thanked you told you you look cute too and you said you too even though you’ve already told me I look nice.

George seems like he isn’t listening to what she’s saying and is just staring at her face.

Sophie: Umm, George?

George: Yeah, your hair smells amazing.

Sophie: Gross!

George: What?

…

Finn: Great catching up Sophie, would you excuse us for a minute?

Sophie: Sure

Finn drags George to a corner

Finn: *What are you doing Georgie?* That was so awkward dude you made it so weird with Sophie.

George: I don’t now dude it was *you* who told me to tell her she’s pretty so I just went with it and she looked so pretty I kinda just stared at her and spaced out.

Finn: I really think you need to freshen up, go get a drink I think I saw some Coke or Hawaiian Punch or something in the cafeteria. You get a drink for you and Sophie, I’ll try to keep her occupied, OK?

George: Okay sound’s like a plan

George walks to the cafeteria and sees a massive queue. Confused, he decides to ask Ralph, standing at the end of the line.

George: What are you standing here for Ralph? What’s this fuss about?

Ralph: Oh dude, this is the punch line.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

“How are you mr.Pope?”

“Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven.”

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansion. Nearing the end of his tour the pope turned to the angel and asked where he will be staying. The angel answers that they’ll be there shortly. When they finally arrive the pope is handed the keys to his condo.

“A condo? How come I don’t get to stay in that mansion that I saw?”

“That mansion is reserved for a lawyer.”

“A lawyer? I dedicated my whole life to god, and I get a condo, and a lawyer gets a mansion?”

“Yes, you must understand. We have plenty of popes up here, but we’ve only got the one lawyer.”

A bar raises $1000 to take a wheelchair bound patron to Lourdes in the hope for a miracle cure.

They get there and dip the man and the wheelchair into the fountain. They pray for his problem to be fixed and when he come up. Hay presto.

The wheels on his chair have stopped squeaking.

I REALLY hope these are true

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

… Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, “I’ll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change.” The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now holding a $20 bill in his mouth. Slightly puzzled, the butcher obliges the dog’s order, wrapping up the sausages in ice and putting them into a basket. He sets the basket in front of the dog, who picks it up with his mouth and walks out.

The butcher, now curious, temporarily closes up shop and decides to follow the dog. He trails the dog a couple of blocks until the dog stops at a bus stop. As a bus pulls up, the dog turns his head to look at the bus’s number and stays seated. The butcher is stunned that the dog knows how buses work, much less which bus is his. Eventually, the bus arrives, and the butcher follows the dog onto the bus.

After about 20 minutes, the bus arrives at a stop in the suburbs, where the dog decides to get off, and so the butcher follows suit. The dog walks another couple of blocks until it arrives at a large, 3 story house, with a nice garden, and even a fountain in the center. The dog walks up to the front door of the house and pauses for a moment. It sets the sausage links to the side, takes a few steps back, and rams itself into the door at top speed, producing a loud “thud.” The dog, a bit dazed, gets up and steps back again, as the butcher stares in confusion. The dog strikes the door again, producing another crashing sound. Suddenly, the door opens, and the man inside starts yelling furiously at the dog.

The butcher intervenes, saying, “Hey! Do you even know how smart this dog is?! It can write, read, use money, and take the bus! Hell, I’m sure there are even some *people* that can’t do that! Who do you think you are?”

The man looks up at the butcher, still angry, and says, “Nonono, you don’t understand. This is the third time he forgot his keys!”

It’s a huge and luxurious house with gardens, pools, greek statues and paintings.

The Nigerian ambassador wanders with the French ambassador after dining. The Nigerian ambassador then asks to the French ambassador how did he do to afford that house.

The French ambassador then tells him to come next to the window.

“You see that highway down the house?” Says the French

“Yes”

“Well I embezzled 15% of it’s construction price”

“Oh I see”

The two ambassadors say goodbye to eachother.

Next month, the French ambassador is invited to the Nigerian ambassador’s house.

He goes there and the house is an enormous castle with golden palm trees, a personnal zoo, thousands of extra luxurious rooms, a working ice-cube machine, an enormous yard with fountains and marble and plants from all around the world and jacuzzis filled with exotic fishes.

The French ambassador wanders amazed through the castle and asks the Nigerian ambassador how he managed to afford that house.

The Nigerian goes to the watchtower and points at something in front of the house

“Come here, you see that highway over there?”

The French ambassador takes a look and answers

“Uhm, no, I don’t”

“Yeah”

Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.