Format Jokes

How do you ruin a joke?

Do you know what I hate?

It’s like a ‘knock knock’ Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. ‘I started a new business’

2. ‘Oh yeah? What business are you in’

1. ‘The Rollercoaster business’

2. ‘And how’s business?’

1. ‘it has its ups and downs’

Or

1. ‘I started a new busienss’

2. ‘Oh yeah? What business are you in’

1. ‘The Welsh Dictionary business’

2. ‘And how’s business?’

1. ‘The R’s are long”

Just any sort of silly stupid pun or spin you can put on it, with kudos for the most ludicrous convoluted businesses.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a bush?

Russel

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the Australian outback?

Dusty

What do you call a man with a shovel standing next to a deep hole?

Dug

I would like more of these jokes to make my father laugh as it’s his birthday in a couple days and he is always bringing joy to my life with his jokes, so I’d like to return the favor.

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says “28”

The second most upvoted joke says “3915”

The third most upvoted joke says “756”

He can’t see why they’re getting so many upvotes, so he comments “These aren’t jokes, they’re numbers”

The admin replies “You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we’ve seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now”

The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes “504,323”

When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin “What happened?”

The admin replies “Nobody had heard that one before”

as a disk format cause she’s FAT32

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first

**Me:** Okay, I’ll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure, how much is that?

**Bartender:** $3.

**Me:** There you go. So what’s the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

They either die in new or last only for a month.

Knock knock|who’s there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)

|||knock knock|who’s there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?

||| Knock knock|Who’s there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability to focus making me quiet but don’t actually say it)

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.

“What are all these clocks for” the guy asked.

“Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second” St peter says

“So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked.” St. peter points behind them and says

“It has only ever ticked 3 seconds.” The guys then asked “where is Abraham Lincolns clock at.” St peters points in front of them and says “it has never ticked a single second.” The guy then asked “where Donald Trumps clock at” st peters say “oh, it is in jesus’s office he is using it as a ceiling fan.”

Not on my watch!

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

.rawr

It wasn’t justified.

I know because I joogled it.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’

(EDIT: formatting)

.raw

.PDF Files.

They’re always plotting something.

…and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to… a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

He looks the woman up and down, and says “Hm… Strange. It’s not your time! I’m sending you back.”

“Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?” she asks.

“Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!”

She’s sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. “If I’m going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!” she happily thought.

After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She’s hit by a bus and dies instantly.

Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God.

“What in the world was that?!” she exclaims, “You said I was supposed to live until 108!”

God looks her up and down and says “Well I didn’t recognize you!”

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

edit=correct word(s)

PDF

puh-duh… ffffff

He didn’t like id., et al.

The drill sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out!”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

>!Everybody!< Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud? Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said “I want the kill to be clean, leave no trace. And since I’m a big fan of your legend, I’d like to be there when you assassinate the target”. The assassin agrees.

With carefully planned tactics, the assassin infiltrates the rival gang on the pretence of capturing the mob leader.

Finally, in the room with the mob leader and the rival leader, the assassin aims his pistol at the target and counts.

*uno*

*dos*

*BANG*

The rival drops dead.

“But I thought you count to three”, said the mob leader.

“Sí” replied the assassin. “But you said leave no tres”.

*****

EDIT: Formatting

EDIT2: I just learnt the actual pronunciation of the word “très”. This joke makes no sense now. 🙁

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess hall for KP. Hoskins, step out and report for guard duty. Jones, step out and report to personnel, your mother is dead. The rest of you, report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.”

Later that day, the Captain calls the Sergeant into his office.

“Sergeant, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother had died. Could you be a bit more tactful next time, please?”

“Yes sir,” answers the Sergeant.

A few months later, the Captain calls the Sergeant in again.

“Sarge, I just received a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother has died. You’d better tell him, and then send him to see me. This time, be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Okay men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother take two steps forward… Not so fast McGrath.”

RAWR

Wahv.

That’s because GIF actually stands for ‘ jraphics interchange format’.

Jraphics Interchange Format

**Son:** Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

**Mom:** Of course not!

**Son:** Well, neither would he.

Credit- Some guy on Youtube

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it’s too much trouble trying to open it.

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z’s at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

“Alright! We’re gonna have you all use dummy weapons and go out onto this course behind me, the objective is to be the last soldier standing!”

The company is then instructed to get into a line (alphabetically by last name) and proceed to three separate trucks to get their weapons. Naturally our hero is the last one to get gear and when he gets up there the sergeant shakes his head and says:

“Sorry son, we dont have enough rifles for all of you, so we’ve notified the rest of the company that when you walk up and yell ‘bang bang bang!’, they all know to drop like they’ve been hit.”

Our hero shrugs and moves on. Same thing happens with grenades and knives; and he receives instructions similar to the first, ‘boom boom boom’ and ‘knife knife knife’ respectively. Now each time hes told to imitate shooting a rifle, throwing a grenade, and slashing knife along with the sounds.

He enters the field and takes out the first guy with his ‘rifle’, yelling ‘bang bang bang!’. Sure enough the trooper falls. Next is the grenade, that works too. So does the knife, soon hes on his way to being the last one standing.

Eventually he finds a hill with a single soldier standing on it. He pretends to shoot him with the tried and true ‘bang bang bang’, but nothing happens. He tries the grenade, nothing. So he runs up and yells ‘knife knife knife’ and slashes at the guy.

The trooper turns, knocks our hero down and stomps over him before turning back and saying with a grin:

“Tank tank tank.”

I can only imagine the jrief his family is going through.

Will definitely be a HIT!

“Do not be frightened,” said Satan. “I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear.”

The priest was stunned. “Let me think about it for a few days.”

The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. “Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!” He told over his strange encounter. The bishop was shocked. “A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!”

But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop.

“Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!” He told over the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. “Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!”

But the priest wasn’t convinced. He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he’d receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope.

The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. “Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!”

“Sorry, could you speak a little louder?” Asked the Pope.

(Edit: To all the people who have taken the time to comment how you would have formatted the joke differently, thank you. Without you guys, I wouldn’t have written this edit.)

Midieval.

…making it much easier to wait til 5 o’clock to start drinking

Turns out they do come in peas

I have been downloading HD digital music but some people don’t really like the format so I’ve been getting a lot of FLAC lately.

Dad: Do you know why one side of the ‘v’ is longer than the other?

Son: No, why?

Dad: Because it has more geese.

Instead of trying to find eggs in a garden, everyone will be trying to find eggs in a grocery store.

A receding hare line.

The good news is we can confirm the Save to Cloud feature has worked correctly.

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe, they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In China, they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East, they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America, they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA, they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

This is because of aerodynamics. The duck in front cuts into the air, making a slipstream. The other ducks follow in this “broken” air stream, making it easier for them to fly. When the duck in front gets tired, he goes to the back of the line, and a fresh duck takes over.

Do you know why one side of the V formation is longer than the other?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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There’s more ducks on that side.

There are more geese on that side.

Because there are more geese on that side.

(My 90 year old great uncle claims to have made this up, I dont know if he did or not but I love it)

A long time ago, there was a castle with a king, a queen, and the servants who worked happily, ate healthily and were merry. The king regally sat upon his throne one day, when his lookout came running into his chamber, flustered and out of breath.

“Your majesty, you will never believe what I am about to tell you.”

“Go on,” replied the king.

“Just outside of the castle, there stands an army of fingers. No hands, no arms, just fingers. Hundreds of thousands of them! Worse yet, half of our noblest knights and generals are visiting the neighbouring kingdom, in preparation for their upcoming ceremony. The fingers want your head sir, and they’ve said that they will force their way in and kill everyone within the castle walls if they are

not appeased in three days, what shall we do?”

The king sat, shocked that an army of fingers made their way undetected to his castle. He thought for a moment, and realized the only way the castle may survive is if he were to refortify his military by sending a messenger to retrieve the other half visiting the neighbouring kingdom.

“Send our finest messenger to the neighbouring kingdom,” declares the king.

“May he be quick on his feet.”

And with that, the lookout left the chamber and sent the castle’s finest messenger on his way.

The next morning, the king was woken up to the lookout, terrified and flustered once again.

“Your majesty, the fingers have captured and killed your finest messenger, they are holding his head on a stake for all to see! What shall we do?”

“We must try again,” replies the rather hesitant king “send the castle’s second finest messenger. May he be quick on his feet.”

And with that, the lookout left the chamber and sent the second finest messenger to the neighbouring castle.

Sure enough, the next morning, the king was awakened again by a terrified lookout.

“Your majesty, the fingers now have the second finest messenger’s head on a stake for all to see. What do we have left?”

The king sat, defeated, when he heard a tiny voice peep up.

“Sir, I think I help.” The voice came from a page the king had working for him. He was a little Chinese boy, who weighed no more than 75 pounds. The king scoffed, when his consultant entered the room.

“I would let him try, your majesty, we have no other option.”

The king had no argument, and sent the page on his way. That night, he laid awake in bed, almost positive it was his last night. He prayed for the page he had sent, and fell asleep.

The next morning, the lookout burst into the king’s chamber once again.

“Sir, you’ll never believe it! The page you sent, he brought back our military forces, and they killed all of the fingers throughout the night! We’re saved!”

The king was stunned, and called for his consultant.

“How did you know?” He asked his consultant “How did you know that the little Chinese boy could do it? He beat my finest messengers!”

“Don’t you know what they say?” Replied the consultant.

“Let the yellow page do the walking through the fingers.”

I’ve never owned a toilet brush, all my friends who come over have gone to the bathroom and come out asking about owning a toilet brush. I’m just baffled why people use and care about toilet brushes.

One day I brought my date over for dinner and at the end of the night after she went to the bathroom she stormed out complaining about the lack of a toilet brush. I thought I was being insensitive about her needs so I finally reluctantly bought a toilet brush.

After a week of using a toilet brush all my friends who come over still ask if I used a toilet brush. None of them believed that I used a toilet brush. Thankfully the following weekend my date agreed to another dinner at my place. At the end she clearly wanted to use the bathroom again, so I went first and made sure to use the toilet brush. There would be no mistake that I had used the toilet brush, I even left it in plain sight.

She came out fuming, disgusted and complained about the toilet brush. I finally snapped.

“I don’t get why everyone likes to use toilet brushes, I’m going back to toilet paper.”

So, I started investigating.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It’s because one side has more birds than the other.

Its because that side has more ducks in it.