Flesh Jokes

…when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, “This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!” The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.

As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby woods and quietly crept towards the women to find out what their ceremony was all about. By the time he was close enough to hear them they were sitting around the small fire that they had built.

He watched as one woman pulled out some meat from her bag and said in a serious voice, “Partake in this pig flesh to represent your connection to death,” and handed it to the fourth woman.

Then the second woman pulled out some cheese from her bag and said with the same seriousness, “Partake in this creature’s gift to represent your connection to life,” and handed it to the fourth woman.

The third woman then whispered to the fourth, “The meat used to be raw and the cheese used to be moldy, but too many new Sisters were getting sick.” Then in a serious voice she said, “Partake in the gift of the soil to represent your connection to the Earth,” and she handed the fourth woman some bread.

The three women then said together, “Partake in these gifts and join our Coven.”

The man suddenly understood what the women were doing on the beach! They were making a sand witch!

Two cannibals are talking to each other.

Hey, you remember that person we ate a couple weeks ago, the one that tasted so good?

Yes, it’s still flesh in my memory.

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,

“We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?”

The man says, “I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me.”

The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into forks afterwards.

The chief then walks up to the second man and says,

“We will roast your flesh over the fire and have a great feast! Do you have any last requests?”

The man says, “I would like to enjoy your most beautiful woman before I die.”

The chief grants the man his request and roasts his flesh over the fire afterwards.

Finally the chief approaches the third man and says,

“We will kill you and use you skin to build a canoe! Do you have any last requests?”

The man says, “I would like one of the forks you made from the first guy’s bones.”

The chief looks confused but decides to grant him his request anyway.

As soon as the man is given the fork, he begins to stab himself all over his body while laughing maniacally. He turns to the chief and yells,

“Now you’ll never get your damn canoe!”

While on an excursion on the amazon river deep in the jungle three explorers are surrounded and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought before the tribal leader.

He looks at the first and says, “we’re going to dine on your flesh, we’re going to use your bones to make tools, and we’re going to use your skin for our canoes, do you have any last requests?” The first man trembles in fear and asks for a knife. His request is answered and he quickly slits his throat.

The chief turns to the second man and repeats, “we’re going to dine on your flesh, we’re going to use your bones to make tools, and we’re going to use your skin for our canoes, do you have any last requests?” The second man trembling with pee dripping down his leg asks also for a knife which he also uses to end his life before the suffering.

The chief looks at the third man whose smiling pompously, and restates, “we’re going to dine on your flesh, we’re going to use your bones to make tools, and we’re going to use your skin for our canoes, do you have any last requests?” The third man smuggly stares down the chief and asks for a fork. The chief nods and has a fork brought to the man. He takes the fork and begins stabbing his arms, chest, stomach and up and down each leg. He’s bleeding all over as he has punctured his skin every where he could reach.

He stands up looks at the chief and says, “So much for your stupid canoe.”

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly.

He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

Hello flesh

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other man, “Hey, I know you’re hungry, too. Why don’t you eat some of this cat?”

“Hell no!” replies the second man, “That cat’s been dead for days, he’s all stiff and cold and smelly!”

“Okay, suit yourself,” he says, and eats everything but the bones.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first man says,

“Oh, I don’t feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat.”

Just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of half-digested rotten cat flesh and guts and bile.

The second man sits down next to the puddle and says, “Now you’re talkin’! It’s been months since I had a WARM meal!!!”

It’s an acquired taste that varies person to person.

A Can-nibble

To make the Eschar go!

The woman screams, “The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don’t deserve him!”

The man calmly replies, “Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?”

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, “damn dude what did you catch?” “You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!”.

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. “Wooah man, tell us what it was?” “You see that huge thing that looks like a rock? Well that was a cow, i devoured it”.

Third one goes out, fast like the wind, comes back in 1 minute, whole body covered in blood. “Oooh who’s the unlucky guy?” “you see that bit pillar over there? Well i didn’t”

…I guess you could say he’s on a roll.

In the flesh!

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

The young man asked for a pound of raisins from the pretty lady behind the counter. She had to climb a ladder to fill the order, revealing her naked flesh under her short skirt. Then, she asked his dad what he wanted.

Wanting to see a panty-less beauty climb the stairs again, he too asked for a pound of raisins. This time she caught on while grabbing the raisins, looking down on the men getting their carnal delights.

She then asked the grandpa, “I suppose yours is raisin’ too?” “No,” the old fella said, “but it is twitchin’ a bit.”

Sullivan & Duffy were sitting outside their favorite pub in a village in Ireland, having a few pints. Just across the street is a house of ill repute and the two Irishmen were just enjoying their libations as they watched the people walking by. After a little while the Methodist minister happened to be walking along across the street & just as he gets astride the brothel door he glances up and down the street before ducking inside. “Aye Sully, did you see that?”

“Tsk, tsk that I did Duffy. Tis a sad thing when a man of the cloth, falls to the sins of the flesh!” “Oh it tis, it tis.” A little while later the Baptist Reverend is walking along across the street & just as he gets astride the brothel door he also glances up and down the street before ducking inside. “Aye Sully, now did you see that? “Oh my tsk, tsk that I did Duffy. Tis a sad thing when another man of the cloth, falls to the sins of the flesh!” “Oh yes it tis, it tis.” A little while later along walks a Catholic priest across the street & just as he reaches the brothel door he also glances up and down the street before ducking inside. “Aye now Sully, did you see THAT!? “Aye I did indeed, Duffy. That I did.”

“Oh how sad it is!” Then both in agreement say,

” Aye, One of the girls must be terribly sick.”

I hope this doesn’t go against any sub rules. I’m ok if it gets deleted.

So, I had an idea pop into my head last night, and I need some help in fleshing out the body of the joke.

It would go something like this:

A man and his son are walking near (body of water) on Christmas Day. They come across a flock of sheep doing (land/water based military manoeuvres). The day looks around totally bewildered and asks “What is going on here?”

The son answers, “That’s a Fleece Navy, Dad.”

Any ideas?

WH40K Humor: I don’t know about you, but I prefer my Khorne Dogs with ketchup.

I can’t believe he fell for It.

When the doctors told her she had flesh-eating bacteria they gave her 10 years to live

when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 80 years to live.

Rotchakokof

A flash bang

Hello Flesh!

but when he said “Try the Mayonnaise…” everyone left….

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice.”It’s funny you should come to me,” his friend says, “because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually realized that he’s always going to be my son, no matter what faith he follows. He still celebrates the high holidays with us, and we’ll sometimes visit his house for Christmas, and if anything, I might say it’s made our family stronger.”The father goes home and thinks on this, but he still can’t help himself from continuing to be upset, no matter what he says to himself in his head. So he goes to talk to his rabbi about it.”It’s funny you should come to me,” the rabbi begins, “because my son became a Christian when he went off to college. Wanted to become an Anglican priest, he did! Whether I like it or not, though, he’s still my son, my flesh and blood, and I couldn’t stop loving him for a thing like that. It also means that when we talk about God together, he brings a perspective I might not hear otherwise, and in some ways I’m glad it happened.”The father goes home to think on this, and still, all he wants to do is yell and scream at his son for what he’s doing. So he gets down on his knees and prays, saying, “Lord, help me out. My son is becoming a Christian, and I feel like it’s tearing my family apart. I don’t know what to do. Help me out, Lord.”And he hears God reply, “It’s funny you should come to me…”

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”

To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I bleed because my enemy’s sword has pierced my flesh my blood stains will not discourage my crew and thus surely they will attain victory.”

One day a hundred enemy vessels were spotted approaching the pirate ship and unimaginable bloodshed was inevitable.

“Lieutenant”

“Yes, Captain”

“Bring me my brown trousers!”

Great thing to hear in church…

… not so much in a Mexican prison.

(heard in the tv-series Flesh and Bone)

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. “Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-“

“Are there printers?” The man interjects.

“….Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-“

“Okay this place sounds fine, let’s go.”

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec’s dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”, shouts William, “A crocodile?”

“NO!!” yells Stephen, “Alec ate her”

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated heads. The smell of rotting flesh coming from these dug up holes was overwhelming for the police – however, one hole in particular emanated a distinctly awful stench – strangely, it smelled strongly of body odour. The police were baffled by this. It was only upon excavation that they discovered….it was the arm pit.

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium…

Divorced the wife.

Because my flesh light only takes a D.

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

Sadly, I was also fired from the aquarium.

Obviously because it Cantelope.

But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun

“Im sorry sister but i have been dreaming of doing this”

he proceeds to stop driving and he put his hands under her robes and stroking her legs.

The nun replies with

“Father, remember Psalm 143:24”

The Priest responds with

“Im sorry sister but the flesh is weak”

The Father sees the cross in their car and is reminded that he should not be doing this

He says

“Im sorry sister, i have given to temptation”

The nun sighs and they continue driving.

When they reach the church, out of curiosity the priest finds a bible and checks Psalm 143:24

it says.

“Go further up and you will find what you seek”

He was Gladiator.

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went down and down; after all, there’s only so many weird folks you can find on Craigslist. Eventually he ran out of people who were willing to donate genetic material for this purpose, and he had to resort to cloning himself.

But whenever he ate his cloned meat, a strange thing happened: his pee was always quite fragrant for the next day.

But that’s what happens when you eat a spare Gus.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“But dad, you’ve been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh.”

“Then try looking like you’ve seen a zombie.”

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

**Moral of the story**: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.

They Munch on some Flesh Mint!

Obviously, I’ve recently come into some money.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he leaves.

On his return, he checks on all the knights. They drop their pants, and one by one, disappoint King Arthur.

“Sir Bedivere, bet you regret that night. Sir Lamorak- Ooh, serves you right. Percival, too bad for you.”, and so on until he reached Sir Lancelot.

Lancelot drops his pants, and his sword is still there, fully intact and healthy. The only one to have not attempted intercourse with Guinevere.

“Congratulations, Sir Lancelot! I knew you were loyal. You are a true friend to the crown and the best knight I have ever met.”

Sir Lancelot stays silent.

…has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.

The rest I squandered.

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spice Mafia, a gang of international criminals who have mastered the art of culinary crime.

When I moved a few weeks ago, I had been warned of the Spice Mafia. I was told to keep my nose clean, and my dishes bland, lest I incur their wrath. I didn’t really think much of it at the time.

Two weeks ago, I had gotten out of bed to grab a glass of water, when I heard some strange noises coming from outside. I leaned my head out the window and saw a man digging a hole in my lawn. I yelled at him, and he ran away. Not thinking much of it, I grabbed my water and went back to bed.

The next morning, I went outside and filled in the hole. All through the week, I had some problems with an annoying sneeze. I didn’t put that together with the occasional clouds of black dust that would appear when I opened drawers and doors until recently.

A week later, I was woken up by similar noises. I went outside and started yelling. This time there were two of them, but they ran away again. I decided to fill the hole back in then and there, rather than waiting until the morning.

Over the next week, I asked around about what had been going on, and learned about the Spice Mafia. I found out that the local ring was run by one of the toughest Spice Gangsters in the world, Papa Rika. I began planning my counter attack, and preparing for when they came back.

A week later, I was waiting by the window when I saw four men walk up to my lawn. They began digging, just as they had the past two weeks. I let them continue.

When their shovels were thrown to the ground, I moved. I came out of the house, yelling as loud as I could. They didn’t run this time; the four of them together could easily beat me in a fair fight. Fortunately, I had brought the one weapon one can use against the Spice Mafia – Pepper Spray.

As they ran off screaming and crying, I examined the hole they had dug. Inside was a metal box. I took it into the house to examine it further. It was clearly old, and had probably been there since before I moved in. It was also unlocked.

I opened the box to find that it was filled with glass jars. All of them had been filled with ground-up leaves, and were expertly preserved. Examining the labels, I couldn’t find one that was less than a century old. I also began noticing that they were all the same spice. That’s when I realized…

since I moved in, I’ve been living on burrowed thyme.

So these IT professionals were discussing the new internet protection softwares they were installing at work.

The first one says “my new system blocks ads, and with Godzilla level protection refuses to show images with flesh tones.”

The next one says “my new system blocks ads, and with Gamera level of protection checks flesh tones, and filters specific races”.

Not to be outdone, the next one says “My new system blocks ads and at the Seppuku level of protection scrubs your hard drive for you”.

“My new system blocks ads, records the sites you visited, and at the next level reports on you and your peers to the government” “Oh wait, sorry that’s the default setting”.