Egypt Jokes

They are called mummy jokes.

One of the world’s oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# “How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# “You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.”

I thought I was having fun, but I was in denile the whole time.

…because they’re all in *da nile.*

Because A’frican love you.

a Giza

Denial River

While they’re there the caretaker comes and grabs the bull and says

“sorry I need to take apis”.

The tourists are shocked so they ask “on the bull”?!

“Cairo”practors

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says “Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels.”

“A camel?” the man asks. “Why would I take a camel?”

“Well,” the car renter explains “they’re as fast as a car, cheaper to maintain, and they’re trained very well. You just say ‘Woah’ to make it move forward and ‘Aishee’ to make it stop.”

“Alright, I’ll try a camel.”

The man is riding the camel and he wants to see how fast it goes. He keeps shouting “Woah, woah, woah!”

Eventually the camel is going faster than the man can handle and then he notices that the ground in front of him is turning into a cliff.

The camel is going and the man is trying desperately to remember the word to make it stop. “Ayaaa, Ashaaa, Allie!” He shouts to the camel. “Oh wait, Aishee!”

The camel stops, with its toes barely on the cliff, just in time. The man looks over the camel, down the cliff and in relief, he rubs the sweat from his brow and says “Woah.”

To make the wife a mummy.

They used Pharaoh Moans

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man’s wife asks him, “What took you so long to say no?”. The man replies, “I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!”

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

A new bus.

And if you disagree, you’re in the Nile.

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs and a sewing kit. He thinks to himself,

“Thith will work!”

He’s in his hotel room sewing away and reading to hieroglyph book. He gets to the last page of the book and sees that the last symbol is scratched out of the book! In that very moment of mild frustration he accidentally sticks himself with the needle. He yells,

“Ouchie! I’m just mithing a thymbol!”

This joke came to me at 3 AM in a dream thank you.

They flock like an Egyptian.

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

They advance to the finals against Tunisia.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

Because they’re so full of mummies

(As told by “Jackie chan” while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

They prefer mummies.

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

A toot uncommon!

A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. “Coo yah!” he says. “It’s tootin’ car, mon!”

To the Cairo-practor

Because they are too big to transport to British museums

They all live in de-Nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a rich European tourist on a tourist bus drives past this sight, shakes his head and says, “They barely have enough money for food and basic essentials and then they still buy Lacoste sleeping bags”.

King Tootin’ramen

He regretted it, he was very in denile

a cairo-practor!

Juveniles

He was obviously born in De Nile.

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

“You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news.”

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs”

“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust.”

“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.”

Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s…. that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! — But what’s the bad news?”

“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”

… because they are in a deep state of denial.

It was when daddy’s became mummy’s

‘She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

‘”Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pharaoh, and when he refused, the stranger turned the river into blood! Without water to drink, we have been in chaos!”

‘Bastet considered this and decided that rivers turning to blood were a pretty decent excuse, all things considered, and forgave her priests their lateness.

‘The next day, Bastet returned to her temple expecting everything to be back to normal. But once again, the sacrifice was not prepared. Suddenly the doors burst open and her priests poured in, looking disheveled and pathetic.

‘”Oh, great Bastet! Please, show mercy on us, your humble servants! The stranger from yesterday is still here, and the Pharaoh is still refusing him. This time, when he called upon his god, a plague of frogs descended upon us! They are everywhere! You cannot take two steps without crushing one beneath your feet! They eat everything and are constantly in the way! It took us twice as long to prepare your sacrifice!”

‘Bastet was, understandably, annoyed but when she looked out of her temple she found that, yes, indeed, the streets were covered in frogs, so she forgave their tardiness, consumed her sacrifice, and went about her day, expecting that, now that this nonsense was done, things could get back to normal.

‘But they did not. The next day, her priests were late because they were covered in lice, and the day after that they complained of attacks by wild animals. Each day they had some new source of suffering, whether it was boils or diseased livestock, or terrible weather.

‘Finally, one day Bastet came to find her temple deserted. She waited and waited and waited, for hours. Finally, one of her priests entered, wailing in despair and crawling on the ground.

‘”What now?” Bastet asked.

‘”Our children! Great Bastet! Every firstborn child has died! No home has been left untouched, all of your servants have lost someone in their lives.”

‘Now, tell me my child, what have you learned from this tale?’

The young kitten pondered for a little while before replying.

‘If you let your human serve you late one time, they’ll never feed you again?’

‘Exactly!’

Poor child is gonna have the weirdest walk.

They tried to get me involved in a pyramid scheme.

(Credit to my wife for this one)

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can’t determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

“The mummy is Amenhotep XIII” says one of the NKVD goons.

“How did you find out?” asks one of the archeologists.

“He admitted it”, replies the NKVD goon.

I’m in denile.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

He had a break up and now he’s in denial

They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.

He was in de-Nile.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at first to look like a dead-end but is truly a turn in the hallway. They venture around this turn and into a great room.

In this room are torches. A sign just inside the room warns “He who lights this shall burn to death.” (In Egyptian hieroglyphs of course) The first friend takes a torch and lights the end. The Friends venture through the room to another.

In this second room is a small lake, with a small canoe able to seat three. In the canoe is a paddle that reads, “He who uses this shall die a watery death.” The second friend takes this paddle and uses it to guide the three of them to the other side of the lake and through a third and final door.

In this last room is a great atrium, filled with heaps upon heaps of golden artifacts and jewels. The three friends rush in and come to a golden sarcophagus. The third friend looks at it and sees that it has the warning “The first man to touch this treasure shall die a most terrible death” written on its exterior. The third friend, giving the message no care, proceeds to pick up as much gold as he can. His friends quickly follow suit.

Many months later, after the friends had returned home with their loot and used it to live lucrative lives, the third friend received troubling news. The first friend had been sleeping when his mansion had caught fire and burned to the ground, killing him. Remembering the warning, he calls the second friend, but they both laugh it off.

A month later, the third friend is watching the news when a breaking story comes on. It is his second friend, who had been out on his yacht. The boat had unexplainably capsized, killing him. The third friend saw this and grew terribly fearful.

Assuming he had a month left before whatever horror would befall him, the third friend sold many of his belongings to afford the most secure underground bunker. He then used his remaining fortune to buy an incredibly high tech security system, cameras all over, and 30+ armed guards stationed at the entrance.

The third friend spent a month in the bunker.

30 days passed, and the night was falling when the third friend look to the security cameras. Outside of the bunker, at the entrance, was an empty expanse of land, save one object. All the security guards were mysteriously gone, and just in the frame was the silhouette of a sarcophagus. The third friend panicked.

Rushing to the door, he pushed all manners of furniture before it. A fridge, a bookshelf, his bed, a desk. But once he had placed the final barricade, a great pounding game to the door. Looking to security footage, the sarcophagus had begun to float and was using itself as a battering ram. To the third friend’s horror, the door began to crack.

With a tremendous boom, the door and all the furniture were blasted away. The third friend screamed, as there in the doorway floated the sarcophagus. He ran through the bunker, stalked by the sarcophagus. The friend jumped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. There, he sat on the toilet and cried.

BOOM The sarcophagus was there, breaking through the bathroom door. The third friend panicked, running to the sink as the sarcophagus inched forward. The friend picked up a bottle of shampoo and through it. The sarcophagus kept coming. He threw a can of shaving cream. The sarcophagus was within 10 feet of him now. He threw a tube of toothpaste. The sarcophagus was within arm’s length. The friend made one final attempt, he reached into the cabinet, grabbed a plastic bottle, filled with a green liquid, and threw it. The sarcophagus fell to the ground and turned to dust.

The man marveled at this. Looking for the last thing he had thrown, he picked it up and thought, “All I had to do was take some NyQuil and the coffin would stop.”

Yeah, he is a real barkeologist!

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

Ed dit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

Pyramid schemes.

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser “The statue is just about 5,000 years old.” Nasser was very impressed and asked “How did you Russians figure that out? My best archaeologists were dumbfounded by that one!” The Russian told Nasser “He confessed.”

He was In De Nile

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

Ages of neglect and pillaging have caused one of them to fall into utter disrepair. The other is in Egypt.

While in the way, they encountered a red light at cross road junction, which the driver didn’t stop for. The tourist said ” Why didn’t you stop?”, To which the driver answered ” Relax, I’m a professional and i know what i’m doing”. The same thing happened again, the tourist asked the same question and the driver answered with the same answer. On the third traffic light, it was green. The driver slowed town to almost stopping the car, to which the tourist wondered and said ” Why did you stop at green traffic light?” to which the driver said ” Because there might be another professional driver crossing the road”

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, “His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd.”

“How did you find out?”

“He confessed,” the advisor said.

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.

For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.

After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world.

Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.

He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China.

Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle.

Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike.

“My name is Yu! It’s an honor to meet you!” the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.

It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town.

However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu.

Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.

The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu’s father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider.

By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave.

Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.

Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn’t have his beloved Chinese maiden.

So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do….

*Rick rolled* back into town screaming,

*”I’m never gonna give Yu up!”*

…in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders.

During the test I kept stretching and shifting, trying to get comfortable. The professor overseeing the test noticed and came toward me. I was afraid he might think I was trying to cheat by pretending to stretch to look around at other students’ tests.

Instead, when he got to me he grabbed both sides of my head and started to twist and shake my neck in all directions. I thought he was trying to kill me, but then he let go and I realized that all the pain was gone.

After the test, I came up to his desk and asked in astonishment, “Hey, how did you do that??”

“Well,” he said, “I AM a Cairo proctor.”

His name: Pharaoh rocher

It contains hazelnuts and coco and experts think that the tomb belonged to the…Ferrero Rocher

:)))

….and he’s still in denial.