Divorced Jokes

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” She calls their father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.

His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers…”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I’ve divorced, they’ve kept my house.”

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they’ve been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they’ve been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.

The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.

The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well…we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

“I was 19” says the man.

“That means you’ve been married for 75 years at least” the lawyer points out

“Yes. And all of it misery” says the woman.

“Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?”

“Almost immediately, ” says the man. “I hated her after about two years, and every year it gets worse. Everything about her is obnoxious and irritating.”

“Oh lord, ” says the woman, “I lasted three years but after that tolerating him in any way has been a huge problem. He has awful habits and treats me like trash.”

The lawyer thinks for a moment.

“Well I can help you to get divorced, but why did you wait so long to apply for one if you’ve hated each other the whole time?”

She says: “We were waiting for the children to die”

-Edit-

Wow this blew up. Sorry if I offended anyone, it’s actually a pretty old joke and it’s just about confounding the expectation that the couple was waiting for the children to grow up and leave home, but instead they were waiting for them “to die”, which I suppose is actually a joke about how old they are. Anyway, I didn’t invent it, and sorry if you didn’t like it.

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn’t want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, “Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend.” The woman was confused. “What makes you think you’re gonna be better than my last 3?” She inquired. “Well,” he began. “I have no arms, so I won’t abuse you. I have no legs, so I won’t abandon or run away from you.” “But how are you in bed?” She asked. And his response was, “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday,’ and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my hot boss, Sam, said, ‘Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Sam knocked on my door and said, ‘It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Sam, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Sam said, ‘It’s such a beautiful day … we don’t need to go straight back to work, do we?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

She said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.

After arriving at her house, Sam turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

And I just sat there ….

on the sofa ….

naked.

Misfortune cookie.

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been divorced three times she decided to join an online dating service and was very blunt about her preferences- she flat out asked for a man who would never hit her, never run off with another woman and be good in bed. About three weeks later her doorbell rang and when she answered it there was a man in a wheelchair who had no legs and no arms. He said “Hello, I think I’m your perfect man.” She said “Really? How so?” Said the man “well, I have no arms so I will never beat you, and I have no legs so I will never run off with another woman. She stared at him and asked “Umm… are you good in bed?

And he answered “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. “I am the genie of this lamp,” he said, “and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the most will receive ten times the amount. Who is the person you hate the most?” The woman replies easily, “My ex-husband.” “Okay, what is your first wish?” “I wish I had a billion dollars!” the woman replied excitedly. Piles and piles of cash appear around her and she is ecstatic, until the genie says, “Remember, though, your ex-husband now has ten billion dollars.” The woman is fuming at this. “Okay, my next wish is to live in a mansion with a view of the ocean.” Suddenly, right behind the woman, a beautiful, enormous mansion appears. The woman begins running towards it, when the genie says “But, remember, your ex-husband now owns a mansion ten times as large and as beautiful.” The woman is now very, very visibly upset. She decides to think very, very carefully about her last wish. After a few minutes of deep thought, she grins wickedly, turns to the genie, and says “I wish to give birth to twins.”

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

“Nothing,” she says. “You know when we separated I rented a storage unit to keep some of my stuff there temporarily, including my woodworking tools. Well, I was arrested after someone from my workplace overheard me saying that ever since my divorce I’ve been keeping my axe in a storage unit.”

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!’ I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…

naked

Author – Unknown.

He had post-nup clarity.

as getting married just because you do.

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.

He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man ” you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that.”

Man scratched his head and said “okay give me a $1 billion mansion.”

Genie: wish fulfilled and your ex got $2 billion mansion. Now you have 2 wishes left.

Man again scratched his head and said “give $1 billion cash for my bills and other stuffs.”

Genie : wish fulfilled here is the bank statement and your ex got $2billion. So what’s you last wish.

Man : now I want a 8 inch d**k

LOL

Fair enough it was her sister’s but still…

But I’d rather be widowed.

Man: “Do you work here?”

Lady: “Yes!”

“I need to buy a Barbie doll for my daughter. How much are they?”

“Which Barbie? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes nightclubbing for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

“Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive than the others?”

“It’s obvious! Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s House, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat and Ken’s furniture”

I loved her a lot. She was the only Sin 0° for me 🙁

In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

I asked him: “What part of the house will you get?”

He replied: “The outside…”

I thought they had a really strong foundation

Apparently their relationship just wasn’t working out.

He never got along with his NLAWs

but it’s okay because they got joint custody

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, “How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?” The salesperson answers, “Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.” The amazed father asks, “What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The salesperson answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s computer and one of Ken’s friends.”

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wanted half the rabbits. I told her, Look now you’re just splitting hares.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Yves Guillemot is reported to have asked his now ex-wife, “Baby, we’ve been through thick and thin. I’m the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, why are you leaving me?”

The ex-wife responds, “Everything is perfect, except in the bedroom. You be soft.”

A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and *WOOSH* out comes a magical genie

[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes….but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive double!

[Man] OK, Genie, I want 50 million dollars!!

[Genie] Granted, but remember your ex wife will receive 100 millions dollars!

[Man] I don’t care, shes gone and I’ll have 50 million!

[Genie] Granted, what is your second wish

[Man] I want a mansion island house on the island of Hawaii!

[Genie] Are you sure? Your ex wife will have 2 and it is a very small island

[Man] Yes Yes I can deal

[Genie] Granted, ok what is your third wish?

[Man] ….let me take a second to think…….Ah I got it! Genie, I want you to beat me half to death!

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

Divorced.

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. “So, is it Mama or Papa?” the Judge asks.

“Mama and Papa beat me,” says Baby Bear.

“Well do you have any other relatives?” asked the Judge.

“I have an uncle in Chicago,” replies Baby Bear.

“Does he beat you too?” asks the Judge.

“Naww,” says Baby Bear. “The Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

He needed space.

Because he would forever be Bro Ken.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

– Well, I have it far worse. Not only is my wife ileaving me without a single penny, she also has absolutely no intention to divorce me.

I left my dad for milk.

… are you still brother and sister?

He often got lost in his work.

Comes with all Ken’s stuff.

The judges have started issuing joint custody

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.

My father was mono and my mother was poly.