Division Jokes

To which I replied ‘Nothing, they both involve mitosis’

A girl is doing her homework and her little brother walks in. She asks him for help with a question and he refuses. Angrily she says “Just tell me what the division of two cells is and I won’t hurt you”. He still won’t tell her so she stamps on his foot. “Tell me!” she yells “ouch! mitosis!.”

1. o

2. 0

3. 8

4. oo

Though I am great at biology, cause they’re the same damn thing!

The Department of Redundancy Department

…is the true source of division.

Ouch, mitosis!

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

>Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh my god!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.”

The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’s been tellin’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.”

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

Two sister cells were separating during cell division. In the process, one of the cell steps on the other’s foot. The other cell yells…. Mitosis!

It helps with division.

In our house it’s really causing division

a guy eagerly asked his recruiter what he could expect from jump school. “Well,” the recruiter replied, “it’s three weeks long.” “What else?” he inquired. “The first week they separate the men from the boys,” the recruiter said. “The second week they separate the men from the fools.” “And the third week?” he asked. “The third week the fools jump.”

Division.

It performs division for multiplication.

Does that mean division is counterproductive?

Multiplication in biology means reproduction, which is microscopically accomplished by cell division.

So this morning I was switching off with the day shift supervisor (I’m the overnight supervisor for the mobile division of a security company) and he asked another of our coworkers “when did your car window get broken?” Before I knew the words had come out of my mouth I said “the same time as your mom’s hymen” . There was a dead silence for about 5 seconds and then he almost hit the ground because he started laughing so hard.

The Odor of Operations

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

It improves division

When the Second Division set up shop in South Korea, it did so with its slogan proudly displayed at the front gate: “Second to None”. A few months later, a South Korean base opened two miles down the road. The sign greeting visitors read “You are now entering the famed sector of the South Korean ROK Division, better known as ‘The None Division'”.

They claimed it was a factor

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, “What is two plus two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, “Twenty-two”.

The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it.”

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer “somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001.”

Next came an attorney. He stated that “in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four.”

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

Mostly long division.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow the instructions inside.

For the first couple of months, everything seemed to be moving smoothly for the new manager until some issues with production developed and his division began to underperform. Trying to figure out what to do, he went to the envelopes and opened the first one. The note inside said: “Blame everything on your predecessor since he’s gone and isn’t here to defend himself.” So the new manager blames the present problems on the previous operations manager and everything works out.

About a year into the job, something causes the poducts to have defects which then causes a dip in sales for the company. Not knowing how to solve this problem, the manager goes to his desk and opens the second envelope. The note says: “Reorganize.” So the manager reorganizes his division and the company recovers.

Another year goes by when a shortage of raw materials causes the cost of production to sky rocket and the manager can no longer stay on budget while meeting his production quota. Unable to think of a solution, he goes and opens the third and final envelope. In it was a note with instructions that read: “Prepare three envelopes.”

“Okay, we know we said we’d come back stronger than ever this year, and we admit that 4th place in the division is not where we wanted to be. But it IS a better-than-.500 record, so there’s that, and we have some good prospects in the pipe for 2019.”

Nuclear division.

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, “What was that all about? Why did you look at your watch and wink at me?”

007 smiles that classic devilish smile and says, ” Darling, thish watch is the latesht from Q division. It communicates with me telepathically”.

Surprised, she asks, ” Really now? And what did it tell you?”

Bond replies, “Well dear, it told me that you’re not wearing any knickers.”

Put off she says, ” Well you can tell Q that it doesn’t work because I’m definitely wearing underwear.”

Bond taps the watch face and says, ” The damned thing must be 10 minutes fasht.”

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. “One Finn is better than ten Russians!” He was taunted as he ran away.

He returned to his base, and the platoon commander sent out the platoon to find the Finnish sniper, and once again they got picked off, except for one very scared private. “One Finn is better than fifty Russians!” The man said he heard as he retreated.

Angry, the Company commander sent his entire company to dig out this pesky sniper, and you guessed it, they were all killed, except for one guy. “One Finn is better than two hundred Russians!” He heard from the woods, as he was trying to get away.

He returned to the Division HQ, where they were preparing the entire Division to go into the woods, over 2000 men and their tanks and artillery all lined up ready for the order. He dragged himself into the commanders tent, and pulled himself up to a salute.

“Sir, it’s a trap… there’s two of them!”

Edit- This is an old joke, and I was telling it from memory. I added a few parts because of comments with those details. Enjoy!

A rottweiler, a chihuahua, and a cat all die and appear before the Judgment Seat of Heaven. God asks the rottweiler, “Why should you get into Heaven?”

The rottweiler says, “I protected my family for years, and died saving them from a crazed killer.”

God says, “Well done, boy. Come sit at my right hand. How about you, Mr. Snuffles?”

The chihuahua says “I didn’t die heroically, but I did provide love and comfort to an elderly lady in her last years.”

“Good enough. Come sit on my left.” God turns to the cat. “How about you? Why should you get into Heaven?”

The cat looks up and calmly says, “because you’re in my chair.”

Smelterweight.

From over the Hill they heard a Man Shouting . “One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 10 Russian Soldiers ” . The General Stopped & Sent 10 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 5 Minutes of Gunfire was heard & then Silence . Couple of minutes Later they heard “One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 100 Russian Soldiers ” The Upset Russian General ordered 100 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 15 Minutes of Gunfire were Heard and then Silence . Couple of minutes later they heard ” One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat a 1000 Russian Soldiers” . The Russian General was Furious and sent a 1000 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 30 Minutes of Gunfire were heard and then Silence . As the General looked over a Bloody Russian Soldier crawled down the Hill and with his Dying Breath said : Don’t go over the Hill , IT IS A TRAP . There are TWO of them

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” He shouted in typical military fashion.

“What is it private!” The sergeant said stalking over to him looking for all the world like a wiry crouching bobcat.

“Well you see, sir,” said Johnny, trying to hide his discomfort, “I’ve never ridden a horse. Is there a really gentle one I could learn to ride on?”

“Ha!” The sergeant laughed accommodatingly, “Jenkins! Fetch that young stallion over there, and bring him.”

Johnny was starting to relax.

Handing him the reigns the sergeant said, “Now son you said you’ve never ridden a horse. Well this horse has never been rid. You two amateurs can start together!”

The 2nd Panzer Division.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked “Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we’re millionaires?”

“Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds.”

… now have the 4th largest tank division in the world.

to the President’s inquiry, as to what military division has been most under appreciated during his term?

“Tanks, Obama.”

“You’re great at division”

“Because budget cuts, paper”

COVID-19 is Airborne

The Special Horses.

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO was catching a lot of heat. He began to panic but then he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new CEO called a press conference and explained that the previous CEO had left him with a real mess and it was taking a bit longer to clean it up than expected, but everything was on the right track. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively.

Another quarter went by and the company continued to struggle. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” So he fired key people, consolidated divisions and cut costs everywhere he could. This he did and Wall Street, and the press, applauded his efforts.

Three months passed and the company was still short on sales and profits. The CEO would have to figure out how to get through another tough earnings call. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

In sub-atomic particle divisions.

but I can’t seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

The new company will be known as “Genitalia”.

I think he’s called Juan Division.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

….from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

I’ve heard a rumor General Electric’s aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

It was senior night, I was in the 185 lb weight class and our team desperately needed the points from my bout. The only problem was I up against killer Kenny D from Spartanburg. Dude was going Division 1 and was all state. I didn’t think I had a chance against him and his signature pretzel move. This move could bend you into positions you’ve never been in before, ways you don’t even think you could bend. So after the first few minutes in the ring I start to wear out, Kenny gets the take down, I closed my eyes, and when I opened them I see a big ol’ set of nuts hanging right in my face. So I reached up and bit them. Gave me the ability to get the escape and win the bout.

You have no idea how much energy biting yourself in the nuts gives you.