Desire Jokes

And when she is 18, I’ll kick her out of the house and when she asks why, I’ll say “Because all suffering comes from desire”.

One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what’s going on.

The genie says “Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I’ll give you each one.”

She turns to the guy who found the bottle and says, “What is it that you desire?”

The man thinks for a moment, then says “Well, I’ve been on this island now for several years. I’d really just like to be home with my wife and our two children.”

The genie smiles, snaps her fingers, and the man disappears. She turns to the second man and says, “And what is it that you desire?”

He says “Well, like the first man, I too have a family that I greatly wish to return to.”

The genie wastes no time and in a second there is only one man remaining on the beach.

She says “You have one wish as well, what is it that you desire?”

The man is silent for a moment, then replies “Well, unlike those other two, I never really had a family.” He thinks for a moment longer, then says “I guess I’m pretty lonely, I really wish those two guys were back.”

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies “YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES “. The man thinks to himself, “that’s wonderful”, and settles down for the journey.r>

Death announces that he has to go and speak to St Peter and do the paperwork, so the man is left alone for a while in Death’s office.

He thinks to himself about what he wants to do when he gets there, he could eat all of the delicious foods he never got to try on earth, he could drive the best sports cars he could imagine, he could even be a care-free child again.

He lingers on that final thought for a moment, it’s so appealing to him to be able to run around, play, be silly, with nobody judging him. He gets excited, and stands up.

Death walks back into the office, just in time to see the man bouncing on the sofa. He asks “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” to which the man replies “I’m having the time of my life, or should I say time of my death?” Just as he finishes speaking, the sofa tears open, and the man falls all the way through. Death is furious and screams “DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS!? I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO EARTH NOW TO GET A NEW ONE”. The man sheepishly apologises.

Death asks the man to stand up, and they begin their journey to the afterlife. As they arrive, Death says to the man “GO INSIDE, THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FROM HERE”. He obliges.

As he walks in, Satan says to the man “Welcome to Hell”

“Hell!?” the man splutters. “But I was told I was going to heaven, there must have been some kind of mistake!“

“Unfortunately that is not the case. You see, in life, you were a good man, however in death, you have behaved recklessly and with no consideration for the reaper cushions.”

A ten chin

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, “hey, buddy, I’m gonna need to see some id.”

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life.”

He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said ” I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep.” And then he walked away.

The girl went back to her hostel in shame and before she slept she opened up the paper and read thus: “Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number. Call me anytime…… By the way, I like you too!”

Wedding cake.

“Get married,” replies the Rabbi.

“It’s that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?”

“Not really, but the desire will disappear.”

two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of rome.

one turns to the other and says, “i’ve never come this way before”.

the other nun says, “it’s the cobblestones”.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

This joke has been removed.

Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.

To desire more is greed.

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

Adam thought for a second and said, “What do you got for a rib?”

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn’t mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as Benny was walking the beach, he stumbled over a small black jar-shaped object. Benny curiously picked it up and began to brush off the sand.

*Woosh*

Benny winced as sand flew into his eyes, blinding him temporarily. By the time he opened his eyes, a shadow had been cast over him.

**”I AM KHALROG, GENIE OF THE URN, YOU HAVE AWOKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER. WHAT IS YOUR ONE TRUE DESIRE?”** the genie bellowed.

Stunned, Benny could hardly believe what he was seeing. Benny thought for a moment as he regained his senses. Then he began to speak, “Well, I’ve always wanted a magnificent beard. I’ve always had a hard time with the ladies and I hear great beards are a wonderful attraction.”

**”VERY WELL,”** replied the genie, **”YOU MAY HAVE YOUR BEARD. HOWEVER, I MUST WARN YOU THAT THIS BEARD COMES AT A PRICE: YOU MUST NEVER SHAVE IT OFF.”**

Benny thought for a moment, then agreed to the genie’s conditions. A brilliant beard protruded from Benny’s chin and grew and grew until finally it reached his belly. This was fantastic! Surely he would be a ladies’ man now!

Years passed by as Benny became an icon of beard lovers everywhere. He won contest after contest and seducing women had never been easier. Then one day, he met the woman of his dreams. They went on several dates together before she revealed to him that she would love nothing else than to see him without his beard. Benny loved his beard, but he loved this woman much more. Reluctantly, he agreed to shave it off in the morning.

The next morning, Benny grabbed his razor and started to shave his beard.

*POOF*

Suddenly, Benny was teleported into a round, black room!

“Egad!” Benny cried. “Where am I!?”

**”YOU HAVE DISOBEYED THE ONE RULE, BENNY,”** a voice behind him roared.

Benny stammered, “But I… I… it’s only a beard! Why are you doing this to me?”

The genie replied, **”I AM THE GENIE OF THE URN, BENNY. I HAVE RULES. WHEN THOSE RULES ARE BROKEN, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED.”**

“So… so… what’s my… my punishment then?” Benny stuttered.

**”YOU WILL REMAIN HERE IN MY URN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOUR FAULTS.”** the genie exclaimed.

And from that day forth, Benny has taught all Bennys everywhere the most important lesson of all:

>*A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.*

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man thought for a while, and said, “I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing!”, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four?”

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..

“Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

“No, what’s up with her?”

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his friend, “My Lord she’s about like this!”

Wide eyed, his friend replies, “Oh REALLY! You think she got implants?”

“No, no, no. Nothing like that.

Arthritis!”

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to dark jokes that I can pair with his mood. I came up with two:

My sister can run away and he can’t catch her now.

and

Sucks that you have wee wee all over your foot now since the piggies can’t run home.

… yeah… they aren’t great.

Thanks!

The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?

He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we couldn’t effort it? Well I met this lady today, we had a nice little talk and she invited me for a coffee to her place. I thought why not. At her place we hat a coffee and she went quickly to take a shower. When she came back, she must have forgotten to fully dress. She just stood by the door in her underwear, looked at me and asked me to help myself. I could take whatever I desire.

His wife’s face turned white and she just stared in shock.

He smiled and said: Well, I said alright, took the vacuum and left.

The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”

The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.

The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat.

The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!”

But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

“What is wrong, my child?” asked God.

“Lord, I am lonely,” relplied Adam, “I wish I had a companion.”

“Well, I’ve got just the one for you,” said God. “She’s perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she’s literally made for you.”

“Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?” Adam asked.

“An arm and a leg, Adam,” replied God, “an arm and a leg.”

Adam though for a moment and said, “Well, what can I get for just a rib?”

A beautiful woman shyly walks over to him and says “Excuse me, I hate to bother you. Your music is phenomenal. It moves me in so many ways.

Artistically, it opens my appreciation of beauty and skill.

Intellectually, your music helps me to understand and think and reason.

As a woman, you’ve heightened my emotions and my desire to be nurturing. That’s what your music does.

And I also desire you. I want to take you home and give myself to you entirely. Make love to you all night.”

“Cool,” says the sax musician. “Were you here during the first set or the second?”

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What’s your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

The s-curvy girls

A Freudian slip.

A woman in her seventies was visiting an undertaker. She looked over her husband in his black suit and paused. She spoke directly with the undertaker gave him a check and asked if he might be able to find a blue suit for her husband. That was irregular, The undertaker said he would do his best.

Just prior to the service the widow looked over her husband in a nice silk blue suit silk shirt and tie. She exclaimed to the undertaker that this was perfect. Then the undertaker gave her check back. She knew the suit had to be expensive and asked the undertaker what had happened. He said that a another gentleman had arrived for preparation for his funeral in a blue suit. And his widow had expressed the desire to have him dressed in a black suit. So the undertaker said we did the only thing we thought was right, we switched heads.

There was a young girl named Sapphire

Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.

She said, “It’s a sin,

But now that it’s in,

Could you shove it a few inches higher?

‘Buk Buk BUK.’

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,

‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘

The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,

‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!‘

The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying,

“Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, “I’ve tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing”

“Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, if he ever asks you to ‘roll over’ you will refuse.

The girl agrees and goes through with the marriage. Everything proceeds fine until about 5 years into the marriage. One fateful night in bed, the Greek says,”Honey, tonight let’s try something different, I want you to roll over.

She is shocked by the suggestion! “My mother warned me about you! That is sick and disgusting! How dare you ask such a thing of me?”

“But”, says her husband, “don’t you want to have children?”

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

He says, “Mom, look, I’m a white boy!” His mom slaps him in the face and says, “Go show your father.”

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, “Look Dad, I’m a white boy.” His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, “Go show your grandmother.”

The boy goes into his grandmother’s room and say, “Mira la Abuela, I’m a white boy.” His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, “See, did you learn anything from that?” To which the boy replies, “Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!”

Step 1 – Go to your local gym.

Step 2 – Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.

Step 3 – Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.

The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?”

And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”

Because their locomotives.

It’s moving fast and I can’t keep up

No holes barred

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one of the most luxurious estates in the world with the greatest staff who you will get on with wonderfully, to be sure….. and your ex is in possession of two such mansions, one for summer and one for winter

Ok, well if I’m to be smart about this there will be house taxes and wages to pay and repairs to take care of eventually, I’d like to not have to worry about cash flow, so I’d like to wish for 100 million dollars

DONE! Your bank account has 100 million dollars and your ex’s account 200 million!

Thinking for a moment not wanting to hastily waste the final wish… pacing around the attic, finally a light appears in their eyes…genie for my final wish…. I wish for you to scare me half to death!

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.

One day while getting drunk, he revealed his inner desire to his friend Horace. Now, Horace was the king’s most trusted minister and all he desired was gold. So he made a deal with Nick, saying that he would give Nick an opportunity to sleep with the queen and in return he wanted 1000 gold coins. Nick agreed to this deal.

The next day while the queen was taking a bath, Horace went to the room where the queen’s clothes were laid out and put some itching powder in her bra. The queen started itching and wailing in agony and the king promised a hefty reward to any man who can put an end to the pain. Now Horace had given Nick the antidote, told him to put it on his tongue and lick away. Nick showed up in the King’s court and said that he could cure her if he had a few hours alone with her, the king had no other choice but to agree. Nick had his fun and the queen was healed. The king rewarded Nick quite handsomely and sent him on his way.

The next day, Horace showed up at Nick’s doorstep demanding the gold coins he was promised, but Nick wasn’t willing to pay up saying that Horace could do nothing or else both of them would be in serious trouble. Horace warned Nick of dire consequences but to no avail.

The next day, while the king was taking a bath, Horace placed some itching powder in the King’s underwear.

…each monastery had a profession, something the monks made that was sold to support the monastery.

As it happened, a man living in London heard about a monastery that made the very best fish and chips. This monastery was in the far north of England, near Leeds. It being the middle ages, this trek was rather arduous, but the saved up what he could and set forth on foot to fulfill his desire for the very best fish and chips that could be had.

I’ll spare you the details of his tedious, and sometimes dangerous sojourn. Suffice to say that eventually, as the sun was about to set one day he comes to the gates of the monastery. He catches a brother in the act of closing the gate against the night, and rushes up to him to ask, “Are you the fish friar?”

To which the monk serenely replied, “No, I am the chip monk.”

In an ex.

She’s just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

InterSTELLLLLLLAAAAAAAR

A complex complex complex.

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every date I went on would be cut short by hallucinations of monsters and demons right behind whoever I was with.

One time though while browsing dating websites, I came across this woman with an interesting clause in her profile: must have face hidden at all times.

I was intrigued! I messaged her about meaning for a coffee and to get to know one another. Given that she was being honest about her desire to not be seen I thought I too would be honest about my hallucinations. To my surprise she agreed to meet me.

We met at a local cafe and when I arrived i saw her sitting in the corner with a large price of cardboard placed on the table, concealing her identity. Despite her appearance being hidden, we hit it off right away.

After that we went on several dates together and each time the cardboard covering her face got smaller and smaller. After a while I no longer cared about the cardboard and had almost no interest in seeing what her actual face looked like.

A little after that I started to notice a change in her demeanour, she became quieter and sounded less cheerful. The cardboard also remained the same size and showed no sign of changing.

I was starting to get worried about her so during one of our dates I questioned her about her change in mood.

Almost immediately she burst into tears and when I asked her what was wrong she smacked me square in the face. I turned back to her to try and console her but as a brought my head around I saw she no longer had anything in front of her face.

I was very confused. I asked her what had happened to her cardboard. Through her tears she stared at me with a puzzled look.

In between her gulps and sobs she managed to produce a response “I *sob* h-haven’t used *sob* the c-cardboard in w-weeks *sob*”

At that point she stood up and ran off.

Suddenly, it clicked with me. I had hallucinated her cardboard!

I didn’t care what she looked like without it so when she actually took it away… my brain didn’t register it.

It’s a shame really.

I always thought there was something between us.

He asks one boy, “What is your name, boy?”

“My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin” says the boy.

“So tell me, Vovochka,” Stalin says, “who is your mother?”

“My mother is the Great Soviet Country!”

“Very good,” says Stalin, “and your father?”

“My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!”

Stalin pats Vovochka’s cheek: “Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?”

“To become an orphan.”

A Golden Retriever

When asked to define “Great” he said,

“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

The antibody.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead