Description Jokes

Hundreds of jokes posted here everyday, and some of them aren’t even reposts.

The real joke is always in the description!!!

There was a child,

His teacher asked him to learn the first four letters of the alphabet,

He asked his mom for the first and she said “shut up” because she was on the phone,

He asked his dad for the second and he said “180!” because he was playing darts,

He asked his sister for the third and she said “Michael Jackson” because she was listening to music,

He asked his little brother for the forth and he said “in my little brum brum car all day long!”

When the teacher asked him to list the first four letters he said “Shut Up”!

She then asked “How old do you think I am?”

He replied “180!”

She asked “Who do you think you are?”

He said “Michael Jackson!”

Finally she asked “how do you think you are going to get away from this?”

To which he answered “In my little broom broom car, all day long!”

Thnx have a good day

You know what I hate about some of the jokes submitted to this sub?

When people repeat the title in the description.

They ask her for a description and she says “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-foot-four, bald and overweight.”

And she says “Who wants that one back?”

firm I think it’s a ball “ the teacher says “no! It’s an orange”Johnny comes up next and reaches in “ it’s rectangular and firm it’s an eraser!” Teacher goes no “It’s a granola bar” dirty Ernie stands up and goes “ teacher I’m reaching in my pocket abd felling something long hard with a firm pink tip” the teacher gasps “ that’s disgusting!!!!” Dirty Ernie goes “ no it’s a pencil “

Sally says “a ball” and teacher says “nope it’s an orange”. The teacher then reaches in and goes ” what I’m feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?”David says”a piece of paper?” “No” goes the teacher “a piece of aluminum foil” Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes” teacher! I’m feeling something long hard with a firm pink tip, what am I feeling?” Teacher shouts”JOHNNY THAT’S DISGUSTING!” Johnny says” nope it’s a pencil”

and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed the fridge, and threw it at him”. The doctor cant believe it but writes hime a description and sends him out. a few minutes later, another guy with back pain comes in. when asked, he says “well I was late for work and left my house naked, and I was putting my clothes on as I went and out of nowhere, a fridge hit me”. The doctor is astounded, but writes a description and sends him out. Another man with back pain comes in. the doctor says “you either got hit by a fridge or you threw a fridge” the man then says :

“No doc, I was in the fridge”

The title is deeply misinformed.

I said, “That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?”

He said, “My wife has lost her new puppy. It’s a fat hairy thing with bulbous eyes.”

I said, “Great description, but what about the dog?”

So I phoned them up and said, “I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help.”

“Oh yes?” replied an eager voice.

“Yes,” I said. “If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them.”

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. “The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. “The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back? ”

“Can’t you give me a better description?” he said.

“OK,” I replied, “some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir.”

“Could you please give me a description of them?” the man asked.

“Certainly,” I replied. “They’re round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored.”

A waiter soon comes up to their table.

Waiter: Good evening, what would you like to order?

Wife: I would like to have the salad, no nuts, please.

Waiter: Certainly, ma’am.

The man quickly leans over to his wife.

Man: But there isn’t any mention of nuts in the menu description?

Wife: Yes, I know, but I’m allergic to nuts so I say it out just in case.

Man: Ohh, I see.

Waiter: And how about you, sir? What would you like?

Man: Oh, I would like the Ribeye Steak, no bees, please.

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

“To be honest, it all happened so fast…”

A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast!”

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it’s ready for a short voyage”.

The general nods and asks, “And what about the weapons system? Are we ready to test a torpedo firing as well?”

The manager thinks for a bit and answers, “Well yes, I suppose we could try firing off a few live rounds as well”.

The general beams, and turns to his secretary, “Alright private, I want you to write a memo to the base instructing them to prepare. Bear in mind that we are using code names for our prototypes, come up with something appropriate.”

The general strides off, leaving the secretary to figure out the details. The secretary thinks for a bit and then begins to type out the note:

Test vehicle: S.S. Mary Poppins

Test description: A supercavitating expedition with explosives

The bartender asks, “Would you like anything to drink?”

The panda replies, “No thanks, I’m only here to eat.”

“So what would you like to eat?”

“I’ll just take the fries.”

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, “Now, will your payment be cash or card?”

The panda calmly replies, “Oh, just card.”

After paying, the panda gets up and takes out a pistol. He fires a few shots in the direction of a few men, killing some in the process.

The bartender, horrified, shouts, “What the hell was that for? You just killed 4 men!”

The panda says, “I’m a panda, man. Look it up.” The panda then abruptly exits the bar.

The bartender confused, looks up “Panda” on Google. The description said:

“The giant panda is a bear species endemic to China. It is characterised by its bold black-and-white coat and rotund body. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Credits to “Eats, Shoots, & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation” by Lynne Truss

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.

When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: “Why is your script titled ‘The Pun’ and why is the floor covered with phrases?”

“Because my script is a play on words!”

The police interview the snail, asking for descriptions of the suspects.

“I don’t know,” the snail says. “It all just happened so fast.”

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job.” replied the Priest.

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, next I can become Bishop.” said the Priest.

“Yes, and then?” asked the Rabbi.

“If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it’s possible for me to become an Archbishop.” said the Priest.

“O.K., then what?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.”

“And then?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, “With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Good grief!” shouted the Priest. “What do you expect me to become, GOD?”

“Well,” said the Rabbi, “One of our boys made it!”

He’s handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: “Great, it’s dinner-roll day!”. The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.

It’s the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: “Wow, wholemeal loaf day!”. And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you’re telling a story about a bakery.

On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words “Danish Pastry day” on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of “Doughnut day! Yes!!!” heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.

But on Friday:

“I don’t understand it,” says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. “It’s his cake day and he’s made barely any effort at all.”

….of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her “mother of 6” rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband’s description. “Mother of 6, get me a beer!” This type of situation rose to a boiling point.

Finally, while at a party with her husband, he jokingly said, “Hey mother of 6, it’s time to go!”

The wife shouted, “I’ll be right with you – father of 4!”

[found this scrolling through YouTube Comments]

A store that sells husbands has just opened,

where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the floors.

There is, however, a catch ..

You may choose any man from a particular floor,

or you may choose to go up a floor,

but, you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your steps as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. “Denise! Denise, is that you?” he asked.

She paused half a beat and sneered, “Of course I’m de niece, ya dingus. Where da hell is de aunt?”

The men’s now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She “accidentally” falls into a deep pond. The man doesn’t hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: “thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah

She then tests the second guy and again, “accidentally” falls into the same pond. He doesn’t hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: “thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah

She then tests the third guy and again “accidentally” falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: “thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James”

The Traveler: Hey what are you doing there guy?

With his ear pressed to the ground the native american says “Two white men… 3 horses and a covered wagon… traveling north-west”

The Traveler: Wow, thats impressive! You can tell all that by listening to the ground?

Still lying on the ground the native american looks up at the traveler

“NO. thats just a description of the people who ran me over.” says the native american.

I asked her if she got a description of the guy. She said, “No, but don’t worry, I got the license plate number.”

He was known throughout New York City as “L’incubo”(the nightmare), as he would commit the most heinous of crimes, but only at night. The police have searched every single day for him, but to no avail.

Rapidly losing hope, five policemen stopped to pray at a nearby church during their break. They walked into the empty chapel and dropped to their knees at the sight of the crucifix. Some even wept as they begged G-d to help them deliver justice for the lives lost to this horrible man.

Just as the officers are about to leave, the priest comes out of his office to greet them. One officer immediately notices something strange: The priest’s face looked strikingly similar to the description of L’incubo, but it wasn’t until the officer shook hands with him that he saw his cold, dark eyes accompanied by a menacing grimace of a smile and knew right away…

“L’INCUBO!!!” The officer jumped back and grabbed his gun. The other four did the same. As the priest slowly raised his hands above his head, he began to laugh. In a thick Italian accent, he says:

“Well, I guess the police aren’t so incompetent after all, given that you saw right through my…altar ego.”

The police arrested him on the spot.

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there’s glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat. A brief moment passes, and the other driver puts his car back in gear and floors it away from the scene of the crash.

The man is stunned, how could this happen? He talks to the police and files a police report and they state that a different man matching the description, and wearing a bright orange hat also filed a report similar to his just 15 minutes ago. He’s furious, he demands to know who the man is. A cop tells him that it’s none other than the local judge, Judge Paul.

The man demands that Judge Paul be arrested for committing a hit-and-run against him, he says he knows he’d recognize the orange hat and the judge’s car matches the description. The cops agree and they take Judge Paul into custody.

Judge Paul is outraged, having had the worst day made worse now that he’s been arrested by the same police officers who he just filed a report with. First, his car got stolen. Second, they took his lucky orange hat. Third, his car gets returned to his driveway with the whole front-end destroyed. And what’s more, he got falsely accused of crashing his own car and fleeing the scene!

I guess it just goes to show, you should never book a judge by his cover.

“I fist bumped Chuck Norris once and survived”.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes, sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes, sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

She couldn’t find the link in the description.

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooftop of a building with his sniper, and gets himself used to the setting.

As early as 0800, the marketplace is filled with Indians trying to sell their goods. It is almost impossible to keep track of the people coming and going. However, the hitman is skilled. He keeps an eye on all the entrances at once, and it is his skill that allows him to spot his target.

He adjusts his scope, lining it up for the perfect killshot. Then he flicks on his laser dotsight. “Dammit, I don’t think my laser is working! They all have red dots!” He says.

Because PIE RATING is in their job description.

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Economist: who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Statistician: who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary: who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Schoolteacher: who used to think he or she liked children.

Programmer: who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.

Mathematician: who is the blind man in the dark room looking for the black cat which isn’t there.

Diplomat: who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.

Topologist: who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

Professor: who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Consultant: who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Psychologist: who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.

Anyone got more?

The student just shrugged.

A deafinition.

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

Stupid description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.

Links in the description.

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!

“Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like this. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.”!!

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.

The description reads “never fired. Dropped once ”

before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the American military’s use of K-9s in the Middle East

Electricians and Gynecologists have the same job description.

They both remove your shorts and check your box.

“Poli-” meaning “many”,

“-tics” meaning “bloodsucking parasites.”