Chimpanzee Jokes

Chimpan y

The Chimpan-Ys.

a Chimpcantsee

From chimpan A to chimpanzee

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot of work to clean up after”

“Well what about a cat? They’re low maintenance..”

The woman replies “No thank you, all that hair to clean up? And the litter to scoop?”

The representative thinks for a while and says “I have the perfect idea in mind for you. We just got a chimpanzee in and he can do it all, he can even help with chores around the house.”

The woman seems taken aback in disbelief, but the pet store worker assures her that he’s 100% serious. “Look, there’s a grocery right next door. Why don’t you take him grocery shopping and give him your list?”

The woman reluctantly agrees and takes the chimpanzee with her to do her grocery shopping. Sure enough, the chimpanzee went through the whole store and got every single item on the list, and even faster than the widow would have done. The widows returns to the pet store and says “You weren’t kidding! I’ll take him.”

The excited widow had an event to go to that evening, but was so impressed with the chimpanzee that she decided to take him along to the event including the bus ride there and back.

On the way back from the event there was a horrible accident involving the bus and every person died except the chimpanzee. The police are so impressed at the chimpanzee’s ability to communicate they start to interview him about the accident.

One of the officers sits down to interview the chimpanzee and asks “At the time of the accident, what was everyone doing?”

The chimpanzee gives it some thought and places his hand on his stomach and wiggles his hips back and forth.

“They were dancing??” asks the wide-eyed officer.

The chimpanzee confidently nods repeatedly.

“Well were they doing anything else?

The chimpanzee thinks and mimes drinking out of a cup.

“They were drinking?!” exclaims the officer.

The chimpanzees assuredly nods back to the officer.

The cop is completely taken aback by their behavior and asks “Well, while they were all doing this what were YOU doing?”

Raises his hands up and wiggles them like he’s driving the bus.

…and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.” So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the chimpanzee, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can’t believe that a chimpanzee walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he’s standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, “Let me try something here and see if the chimpanzee notices anything.”

So he walks back over to the chimpanzee and hands him a dollar change. The chimpanzee doesn’t say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore.

“You know,” he says to the chimpanzee, “we don’t get too many chimpanzees in here.”

And the chimpanzee says, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”

And looking in on the chimpanzees section and a big male comes up to the glass Right in front of where I’m standing. The chimp points at my shirt pocket and holds his fingers up like he wants to smoke. I pull the pack of cigarettes out of by breast pocket and he starts nodding his head profusely. I pull a dart out look around and toss it into the pen. The monkey snatched it up and runs to the other side of the where there is a zoo keeper dumping out some hay and says to the zookeeper, “How many bananas will this get me?”

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to find a home for the chimpanzee, or the courage to take him along to his AA meetings. So they do their best to limit the chimpanzee’s drinking.

One day, the wife tells the ringmaster, “You need to get rid of that chimp. It’s making me go crazy!” The ringmaster, of course, does not want this, so the wife goes, “Well then, tell me what you will do. I’ll be in my room”

As the wife is heading to her room, the ringmaster sees the chimpanzee grab a bottle of vodka from the liquor cabinet. He walks towards the chimpanzee while pointing at it and says, “Hey! Put it down!”

The wife walks in the room with a shotgun and says, “Good idea.”

It’s entirely possible to have a chimpanzee read a audiobook have you ever heard of chimpanzees JAMIE google chimpanzees

“It’s obviously me!” says the chimp. “I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!” “No, it’s me!” says the gorilla. “I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!” “No, it’s me!” says the baboon. “I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!”

But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals:

“You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!”

A meeting with the ethics committee and swift removal of your research funding.

You get kicked out of the zoo.

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, “*what are you doing that for?*” The 2 old timers tell him that once a month they swim to the other island and “*get with*” the chimpanzees that live there. The third man says, “*Are you nuts? Count me out, I’m not that desperate.*”

So the 2 men swim over and come back before night fall. Another month goes by and the 2 men do the same bathing, shaving, hair combing and swim over to the island.

By 3 months the new islander decides he is going to go and check it out. The other 2 guys say, “O*kay we knew you would come around. It gets pretty lonely here*.”

So all 3 men wash, comb their hair and cut their beards and swim to the other island. The last man sees the 2 men getting with a couple of chimpanzees. So he searches around and finds a willing partner and starts making out with her.

The other 2 men start rolling around on the ground screaming and laughing uncontrollably.

The new man is confused, “*What the hell is wrong now*?”

The two men in unison say, “*You picked the ugly one*.”

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?

A. Banned from the Zoo.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

A blind old woman goes out shopping, and instead of walking into the local electronics store, she ends up walking into the pet store.

She says to the manager at the desk: “Hello there. I was wondering, do you sell infrared grillers?”

The manager says back: “I’m afraid we don’t have those in at the moment. But can I offer you an ultra violet chimpanzee instead?”

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps and pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at

two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the

corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage – because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, “What’s the food like here?” The other lions say, “Absolutely brilliant.

So far today we’ve had fish and chimps with mushy bees.”

Thrown out of the petting zoo.

Nickelodeon executives

They cost peanuts.

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books–The Bible and Darwin’s Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, “Not only can you read, you’re reading two books at once!?”

“Well,” said the chimp, “I’m trying to figure out if I’m my brother’s keeper, or my keeper’s brother.”

And says that he accepts all customers and don’t discriminate, because his workers are all Pan.

Little Johnny and his mother go to visit the zoo. They visit the Reptile House, Monkey Island, Chimpanzee Forest, and the Avian Habitat. As they’re walking toward the exit, they pass the Elephant Sanctuary.

Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, “Mommy, what’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”

The mother replies, “That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear.”

Johnny points again and says, “No, that OTHER thing!”

The mom’s starting to get a little nervous, but she replies, “Oh, that’s the elephant’s TAIL.”

Somewhat frustrated, Little Johnny says, “No – that OTHER thing, hanging down between the elephant’s legs!”

Mom, in a hurry to get to the car before rush hour (and, just a little embarrassed and not wanting to get into an anatomy lesson), says, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

The next day, she has to work and the dad has the day off. She tells him that they ran out of time at the zoo, and there was still a lot more for Little Johnny to see, so Dad takes him back to the zoo.

They visit the Komodo dragons, the Zebras, the Lions and Tigers and Bears (oh, my). Finally, they walk by the Elephant Sanctuary.

Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, “Daddy, what’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”

The father replies, “That’s the elephant’s trunk, bud.”

Johnny points again and says, “No, that OTHER thing!”

Dad, not quite sure what Johnny is pointing to, replies, “Oh, that’s the elephant’s TAIL.”

Somewhat frustrated, Little Johnny says, “No – that OTHER thing, hanging down between the elephant’s legs!”

The dad says, “Did you and mommy visit here yesterday?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“Did you ask your mommy what it was?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said it was nothing.”

“Ah,” the dad replies. “Your mother’s spoiled.”

When the rocket lands on the moon’s surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-

1)….Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.

2)….Check ALL life support systems.

3)….Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.

4)….Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your “best guess” as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.

The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The redneck then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-

1)….Feed the chimpanzee.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you live, but if he does not, you die. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.

All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.

All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky “Z” thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.

He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down…

…except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.

It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.

The chimp’s animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went bezerk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.

Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. He tried to fight back, to plead with the tortoise, but to no avail. He was never seen from again.

At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away to their doom. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.

It was then than the bison was called. He lumberd up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn’t good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to die. He hesitated, stutterd, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke?, was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his…wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a “heh” chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.

Finally the lion interjected. “SILENCE!” he shouted. He addressed the judge: “Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison’s joke so humorous, but none of the other animals’ jokes?”

“The other animals?” replied the tortoise. “I was still laughing at the zebra’s joke!”

One is a hairy parent, one is an heir apparent, and the other has no hair apparent.

We’re happy to report the succesful birth of baby chimpanzee Pascal at the San Diego Zoo.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She has long locks of matted hair covering her face, tearing fangs, razor sharp talons, pendulous breasts, and is covered in coarse fur. Dropping their voices to a whisper, they tell the Marines that she doesn’t kill the men who come to seek the treasure, but seizes them and mates with them, scarring their bodies and minds for life.

The Marines are intrigued by this legend, and the slim possibility that there might be actual gold in the cave that superstition prevents the locals from claiming. So the next morning they have the Congolese troops guide them through the jungle, until they come to the mouth of the notorious cave. They pause outside to consider their tactics, figuring that although the legend is surely an exaggeration, there may be some dangerous animal inside.

A private steps up, and tells the others that he enlisted to escape his tough city neighborhood where he got in fights every day of his life, and people risked everything for a chance to get ahead, so he figures he’s willing to face danger to get the gold. He takes a deep breath, marches confidently into the cave, and within seconds the Marines hear roaring and shouting, then passionate moaning and terrified shrieking, and then the private comes running out of the cave, stark naked, collapses in front of them and curls up in a ball.

The shocked Marines realize that maybe there is some truth to the legend, and again confer. A sergeant steps up, and he’s a hardcore gym rat, was the star quarterback in high school, and is a martial arts enthusiast, so he figures he can take on whatever is inside. He strips off his blouse, flexes his rippling muscles, cricks his neck, and marches into the cave. Again the Marines hear roaring and shouting, then passionate moaning and terrified shrieking, and the sergeant comes tearing out of the cave, fully nude, and runs screaming into the jungle.

Now the Marines are getting nervous, and not sure this treasure is even worth pursuing. But up steps their crusty old Gunnery Sergeant. He’s a former Force Recon operator, been deployed all over the world, seen more firefights then they’ve had hot meals, and he’s going to show these devil-pups how it’s done. He strips down to just his tighty-whities and his boots, he’s just covered in Marine Corps tattoos, and he spits on his hands and runs into the cave shouting “oorah!”

The Marines hear roaring and shouting, and then over the passionate moaning they hear the Gunny shouting “get it off, get it off!” The Marines rush into the cave, and there indeed is a fearsome monster, seven feet tall, flowing matted locks, fangs, talons, exactly as described. She’s got the Gunny on his back on the floor, and she’s riding his junk cowgirl-style as she howls with delight.

The Marines run up and grab her arms, struggling to pull her off, and the Gunny bellows “stop! What the hell are you doing?”

The Marines reply “but Gunny, you said…”

Gunny scowls, “I meant get her *hair* off her face, I wanna kiss this bitch!”