Broccoli Jokes

What do you call broccoli that skinned it’s knee?

Scabbage

A woman goes to a super market with her grocery list. On the list is broccoli so she goes to the produce aisle, but to her dismay there was no broccoli to be found. So she finds an employee stacking shelves and asks the guy where she could find some broccoli. The guy tells her that they were currently sold out and that they would have more tomorrow. She says ok and moves on to the next item on the list. 5 minutes later the same woman comes back looking for broccoli again and again she asks the employee who says the same thing. She leaves and comes back a little later and asks the same question. This time the shelf-stacker looks at the woman and asks her how she spells broccoli. The woman, a little confused, spells broccoli for the guy “b-r-o-c-c-o-l-i”. The guy shakes his head and says “you forgot the f”. The woman, even more confused says “but there is no ‘f’ in broccoli, to which the guy yells

“YEAH, THERE’S NO F IN BROCCOLI!”

-Harrison Ford

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

Because he wasn’t a vegetable!

“Floret!”

“You see that broccoli over there?” he pointed.

“Yes…” I replied.

“That was a cauliflower before you started talking.”

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Me: I don’t know, what?

Her (pointing at me): YOU, don’t eat your broccoli!

What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?

“Let’s be friends”, because we’re both bad things.

Kids won’t eat broccoli.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

“No.”

“Do you like curry?”

“No.”

“Then you won’t like what I did?”

“Did you cook broccoli or curry for me?”

“No, I banged your sister.”

Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He’s eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, “Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big.” Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.

Dad: What was that for?

Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

The husband says to his wife, “What do you want to do? We can try anything you want.”

The wife says, “I want 69.”

The husband replies, “You want beef with broccoli?”

She tells him, “We finally married! Anything you want tonight, just ask.”

He says, “How about a 69?”

She says, “Why you want beef with broccoli now?”

Mushroom: wow I look like an umbrella!

Wallnut: I look exactly like a brain!

Banana: Man can we change the topic please

Until I met Broccoli. Then I had a change of fart.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner: pizza or tacos .

They picked pizza.

So I made steamed broccoli because that’s what we get after we are done voting.

(Blatant copy from another joke)

I’ve got broccoli between my toes, a carrot in my ear and some fries up my nose.

Doctor: it seems to me you’re not eating properly

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their clothing. She lies down, naked, and beckons him forward as she says “I wanna 69.” The guy replies “You want a Beef and Broccoli NOW?!?”

The husband replies…”But isnt it a bit late for beef and broccoli?”

Because they floret.

As he walks in the door, sitting on the kitchen table is beef and broccoli.

Broccoli

“Anything?” he asks. “Anything!” she replies. The man thinks for a long time then gives her a devilish look and says, “I want 69.” The wife looks bewildered. “You want Beef & Broccoli now?!”

On their anniversary the man says to his wife “We can do whatever you want tonight since its our anniversary” she said “how about we do a little 69 tonight” the man looked confused and said “you want the beef and broccoli?”

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2am he shakes his wife and asks her for a 69. She replies, “Who eats beef with broccoli at this hour?”

And the wife asks her husband what he wants. He thinks for a second and says I want a 69. She slaps his face and says you want Beef and Broccoli right now?

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says “So, anything you really really like?”. He decides to go for it and says “I’d love a 69.”

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says “You bloody men all the same…

“I’m not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!”

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front of the finish line. Over the course of the next hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.

Why was the tomato so successful?

The tomato paste himself.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.

He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!”