Bamboo Jokes

Because bamboo shoots.

BamBOO

You bamboo-zle it.

He was bamboozled

bamBOO

Who’s there?

Bam

Bam, who?

No. It’s pronounced bamboo.

bamBOO

There was a bamboo stalk and a corn stalk who lived in the same neighborhood. The corn didn’t really know the bamboo but the bamboo liked to watch the corn and sometimes follow him. The bamboo sometimes said “Sup my HUSKY bro”. One day the corn turns around and yells at the bamboo, “STOP STALKING ME”.

Wasn’t that CORNY. Sorry if that was CORNfusing. I don’t want you leaving saying “Aw SHUCKS”. tehehehehhe ill stop fine.

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.

“Hey, you just shot my waiter!” screams the manager.

The panda replies “I’m a panda, it’s what I do. Look it up.”

As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:

Panda – A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.

Eats shoots and leaves.

What do you call a cool mushroom?…A fun guy!!!

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”

A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Across the room he see’s a panda bear eating a large pile of bamboo. Upon finishing the bamboo a waiter comes to the pandas table. The panda then shoots the waiter in the head, gets up, and leaves. The guy across the room gets up and shouts “What the hell was that?”. The manager of the restaurant comes out and replies “That’s a panda. He eats, shoots, and leaves.”

What do you say about a guy who’s addicted to fishing? He’s HOOKED!

A guy tries to walk into a club, but the bouncer tells him he has to be wearing a tie to get in. The guy then goes to his car, takes out a pair of jumper cables, and fashions a tie with them. He tries again and the bouncer says “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”

CHEMISTRY TIME!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first says, ‘Yes, I’m positive!’

A guy asks a chemist to tell him a joke about potassium oxide. The chemist replies “OK”. (yes I know that wasn’t chemically accurate)

I don’t know about you guys, but Barium is Too Bad Ass! (props if you can figure this one out)

Chemistry time is over.

Why do cannibals eat readers instead of writers? It’s because readers digest, and writers cramp.

A guys asks his buddy “Why do you worship swiss cheese?” His friend replies “It’s wholly.”

My uncle loves watching soccer. He says he gets a real kick out of it.

AND FINALLY

Out of all the X-Men why is Angel the most likely to become a rapper? Because he’s the most fly!

Please add more if you wish to add to the hilarity!

He was bamboo-zled!

Because it had too much bamboos. (courtesy of my 10 year old).

Bamboo-zler!

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

They just like the stock!

He wanted to have a treesome.

On the day of the jump, he follows the bear out of the plane and down they plummet.

When it comes time, he reaches for his cord but can’t find it. He starts panicking for his life.

The panda sees what’s happening and produces two pieces of bamboo. After careful coaxing, it gets the man to take what he’s convinced is its food.

When they land, both walk away unharmed.

Moral: Never go skydiving without a pair of shoots.

I made up this joke in the shower the other day and have been trying to decide if it is a Great Bad joke or an Awful real joke. I hope you have an opinion on it.

A Black Bear, a Grizzly Bear, and a Panda walk into a bar.

The Black bear walks up to the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, do you have any honey?”

The bartender says, “Sorry man, this is a bar. We don’t serve honey.”

The black bear says “Fine then! I’ll take my business elsewhere!” and storms out.

After a moment, the grizzly bear walks up to the bar and says “Excuse me, do you have any salmon?”

The bartender sighs, and says “sorry man, we don’t have any salmon.”

Irritated, the Grizzly bear says ‘Well then, I’m going to have to take my business elsewhere” and storms out.

The panda bear, who’d been watching the whole time walks up to the bar and plops down on a stool. He looks at the bartender and says “Jeez – those guys. Bunch of Amateurs, right?”

The bartender is a bit relieved as he says “Totally dude. Anyway, what can I get for you?”

The panda thinks for a minute and says “Oh, nothing fancy. I’ll just take some bamboo.”

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said,”That’s my house.” They then asked about the second structure. “That’s where I go to Church.” The man replied. Then they asked about the third structure. A scowl came over the mans face as he told the rescuers, “That’s where I used to go to Church.”

Back in the 50’s most carpet was made overseas came rolled up on lengths of bamboo.

So this guy is walking down the road and sees several bamboo poles poking out of the trash behind a carpet store. The guy goes into the store and asks if he can have one of the discarded poles. The carpet guy says: “Sure take as many as you want.”

So then the guy is walking home with his bamboo pole over his shoulder and a little girl comes up to him and asks: “Are you a pole vaulter?”

The guy says in surprise: “No, I’m Norwegen!! But how did you know my name is Valter!!??”

Even more amazing – one of the answers is wrong.

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to accumulate over time, so they were all kept in a giant grass hut on the outskirts of the village.

One fateful day, however, a villager was looking through the thrones at night with a candle to guide him. As you might expect, he got too close to one of the thrones, and the throne lit on fire, the fire quickly spread to the other thrones, then the hut itself, then to the rest of the village. The village was completely destroyed and was never reestablished.

Moral of this story: people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

…he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers, and six-packs.

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: reeds, palm fronds, bamboo, and the like.

One thing they did fashion out of wood, though–specifically teak: an ornate central chair meant to grace the hall and serve as a seat for the bold mariner who had led them to their new home, who the other now-settled wanderers intended to name their first king at the feast celebrating the hall’s completion.

To that end, they hid the carved chair in the small space between the hall’s woven ceiling and roof, to be lowered dramatically as they surprised the mariner with his new crown.

Unfortunately, the heavy wooden object instead fell through the flimsy rattan ceiling just as they were crowning him, crushing him to death.

The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the plight of this sad tiny fish, and granted him a wish. The tiny fish asked for someone he could talk, play, and share his life with. The fairy granted the fish’s wish. In a poof there appeared a beautiful golden fish. She was gorgeous head to tail and gleamed in the moon light. She was a sight to be seen. The fairy disappeared satisfied that there will be more happiness in the world.

A few days passed and the fairy was flying by the pond. She noticed the tiny fish once again was sad, glum, and devoid of happiness. The fairy asked the tiny fish if he had talked to the other fish. The tiny fish said no and replied that it felt so inferior to her and would never be able to talk to her. The fairy waved her wand and poof! The tiny fish transformed into a tapestry of colors. And when he tried to speak, it flowed out like a smooth tune from a bamboo flute. And he too now gleamed in the moonlight. The fairy once again disappeared, satisfied that there will be more happiness in the world.

A few more days passed, and the fairy returned to check on her tiny fish friend. She was astonished to see that the tiny fish was still sad and glum. She asked the tiny fish if he had at least managed to speak a few words with the golden fish. The tiny fish shook his head and said no. The fairy was angry and disappointed. She could not believe that despite all her efforts she could not give happiness to this tiny fish. She kept asking herself, why the tiny fish could not even approach the other fish even though he had all these amazing gifts. Then she looked at him closer. Her eyes grew wide. Her mouth opened wide open and let out a gasp. She was amazed that she didn’t notice this before. She knew exactly why the tiny fish could not talk to the golden fish. The tiny fish was a little koi!