Baker Jokes

Bun intended

D’OH!

Dough!

Wake and Bake

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

Stop dropping rolls

Don’t go. I knead you

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, “Yeah, prove it.”

“I’m in bread.”

He’s a loafer, not a fighter.

Oh crepe

I know a guy who’s a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.

Sorry sorry. Bad one.

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Because he kneads the dough.

He just wasn’t in the right bread-space.

“Badder Up!”

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

His buns were toasted.

They’re too kneady.

Kill his family

Rye Chew

It was his cake day!

Because he kneaded the dough

He kneads to do more

A crepist.

Asked about their love, he replies “this here is all I knead”

l knead you.

He said, “It’s a piece of cake!”

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane fly through his window. He picked it up, and read the message on the note.

It said:

Notice me, send pie.

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

He asks the baker, “do you make fish cakes?”.

The slightly confused baker replies that they don’t.

“That’s a shame”, replies the man. “It’s his birthday today”.

Because he kneaded a poo.

He didn’t feel kneaded anymore.

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

He overheard some great advice. “BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!”

….I’ll see myself out.

But it didn’t bother me at all.

I don’t have anything to prove.

– The turnover was disappointing

– His investors all wanted a slice of the pie

– The price of yeast wouldn’t stop rising

– Customers said his service staff were too tarte

– His bakery business model became stale

– He tried to get another loan but the bank manager said ” there Cannoli be one”

He was a pure bread.

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking through the jungle hoping to find civilization when they come across a little boy crying. They ask him “Why are you crying little boy?” He responds with “A loaf of bread fell out of the sky and hit me in the head.” The baker, knowing that he did that, stayed behind to comfort him.

As the brickmaker and bombmaker continue, they come across another little boy crying. They ask him, “Why are you crying?” The boy responds, “A brick fell out of the sky and landed on my foot.” The brickmaker, knowing that this was his doing, stayed behind to comfort him.

The bombmaker continues on his walk to find civilization when he comes across another little boy laughing hysterically. He asks him, “Why are you laughing?” The little boy responds, “My daddy farted and the house blew up!!!”

They had a lot of practice working with dough.

…he said, “you can’t just want it, you gotta knead it!”

Road bread.

He told them they needed proof

He lost the custardy battle.

…but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Took one bite, looked up, and said “it’s stale mate”.

He seemed surprised, said “no, mate”.

So I handed him the cake and said “check mate”.

He was into roll play.

Whoever it was, I’m sure they knead it more than I did.

Or he’ll kick the focaccia.

He was in a lot of pain.

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

Bread.

“Just What I Kneaded”

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

I told him I can’t do it for free I am sorry.

He asked why and I said

Sorry, I knead the dough…

…..George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State

Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he

asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering

kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even

the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting,

Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

He’s handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: “Great, it’s dinner-roll day!”. The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.

It’s the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: “Wow, wholemeal loaf day!”. And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you’re telling a story about a bakery.

On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words “Danish Pastry day” on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of “Doughnut day! Yes!!!” heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.

But on Friday:

“I don’t understand it,” says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. “It’s his cake day and he’s made barely any effort at all.”

Apparently he’d grown tired of the hole business.

While preparing the dough, he asks his boss: ‘How do I know it no longer needs kneading?’ ‘As soon as your asscrack gets drippy with sweat’, the boss says.

After a while, the trainee, tired of kneading, sticks his hand in his pants.

‘No, not yet.’

… was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

He said, “Gluten Tag!”

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

PANINI !

He didn’t want to whisk it.

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: “hi do you have some seeds?”, “No, this is a bakery duck, we don’t sell seeds here…”

And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. “Listen duck”, he said, “We don’t sell seeds here and we’ll never do, so stop asking or next time I’ll hit you with a hammer”.

The duck came back two days later. “Do you have a hammer?” he asked. “No” said the baker, surprised, so the duck said: “And what about seeds?”

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his ‘special items’. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffins! When he makes muffins, they want tarts instead!!

After a week of this he is very upset. He can’t wait for people to ask for a special item as they take a lot of time and effort to prepare, and he isn’t well enough known to take specific orders in advance. He decides the issue is advertising. If he can advertise his daily specials to the passers-by they will know what he has and be tempted by that instead.

He visits a local signmaker to ask for a sandwich board, but unfortunately their chalkboards are in high demand and way, way out of the bakers pricerange. The baker is distraught. Seeing this, the signmaker has an idea. He has four smaller wooden signs that he can sell for a cheap price. Instead of writing and erasing one board, he can have all four and put a different one out each day. The baker agrees, and asks that the signs all be painted a different colour to attract attention.

The idea works great. Customers can easily tell what specials have been made that day, and others are tempted in by the colourful signs. Business is good and the baker is happy. After a while the arm of the signs breaks (they were cheap ones after all) but the baker doesn’t bother replacing them as they have become so popular with the town. They now know that Bright Red Sign means pastries today, even if the part with the lettering is missing.

One day, a little boy is begging for muffins. On his hands and knees in the middle of the street, promising to tidy the whole house, everything for a muffin. His mother says no. “But whhyyyyy?!” he bawls.

She smiles sadly and points to the blue stump outside the bakers.

“Because honey, this is his cake day post.”

He said “It’s a knead two dough basis…”

They gave me 8. (8 year Cake Day).

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

A Tira-masseuse.

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

They both suck without CREAM

It was fascinating….

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

He was carrying a box of lemons in his arms.

When Doctor Watson saw the box, he asked “Well where did those come from?”

And Holmes answered “A lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn’t think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Success baguettes success.

“Where are you off to Watson?”

“Oh, I’ve got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet.” Says Watson, “see you in a few hours!” and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smoking his pipe. As Watson enters, he says, “I expected you back 10 minutes ago, but close enough. I’ve left some dinner on the table for you, it should still be warm”.

“But… but… how did you know I’d be back so soon?” Replies Watson.

“When you left, I pondered for a moment at why Ella, someone so youthful and attractive, would want to date an older man of your prestige”, explains Sherlock, “I assessed the note that Ella posted earlier this evening. It was in fact addressed to 212b, not 221b Baker Street”.

“That’s Terry Farnell’s address”. Say’s Watson.

“I’m afraid so”, replies Sherlock, “Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson”.

It’s called “Knead for Speed”.

…Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

Sherlock would be Holmeless.

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.

^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg