America Jokes

Cause’ freedom rings

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

… and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.

The stranger says, “give me all your money and I’ll let you live!”

The Canadian replies gleefully, “Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!”

He replied ‘It wasn’t me’.

The teacher asked him again. ‘Who discovered America?’

He, once again replied ‘It wasn’t me’

One last time the teacher asked him.

And again he replied, now a little louder ‘I swear to god, it wasn’t me!’

The teacher had enough and called little Jimmys father.

‘I asked him who discovered America’ the teacher said, ‘and his response was It wasn’t me’

‘Well…’ his father said, ‘maybe it really wasn’t him’

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

Nice neighbors.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world…

We’re literally sick of winning.

Tell them it’s almost over

It Trumped Brexit.

inch by inch.

A USB.

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him “how can I make America great again?”

FDR replies “think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets”

Trump’s face sours “FAKE NEWS!” he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “how can I make America great again?”

Washington replies “I would suggest you never tell a lie”, which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.

Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “how can I make America great again?”. Lincoln thinks for a bit and says “go to the theater”.

Because America doesn’t murder its critics.

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: “I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president’s desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country.”

The Russian replies nonchalantly: “Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President’s office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don’t like the way President Biden’s running his country.”

Obesity

Under Trump, America can’t even get to Canada.

Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.

A week later he’s out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent.

“Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar”

The teller shrugs and says “Fluctuations”

The chinese man flies into a rage and storms out of bank and as he slams the door he turns and yells

“FLUC U AMERICANS TOO”

“Give us back our land!”

Healthcare

Because Ubisoft is in France

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”

Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”

Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20.”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”

Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all.”

Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”

Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don’t want suits, I want socks.)” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don’t want shirts, I want socks.)” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don’t want pants, I want socks)” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”

“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!?” yelled the salesgirl.

Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

because everyone loves waking up with double d ‘s in your face!

You could say they are going toupée for it.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog.

Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, “Pleas‌‌e ma’am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?”

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, “Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can’‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?”

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again.

Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, “Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I’‌‌m ver‌‌y tired.”

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, “Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!”

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn’‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier.

A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, “Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you’v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!.”

It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Tourists.

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

An American

I don’t even know where that is!

SO VI ET…

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says “Ok, I’ll bite. Why are you invisible?”

Barack says “Well, I found a bottle on the beach and…then I rubbed it.” “And then…importantly…A genie came out.” “The genie said I could have…3 wishes.”

For my first wish, I said “Let me say this, and this is profoundly important…I want Michelle to marry me…I love her,…and I think America will love her too.” That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said “Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic…and I want to be President…of the United States…so I can serve my country.” That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying “Let me be clear…”

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

“What happened?” asked his family.

“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, “Jose, can you see?”

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion?’ Then she called his father and he also slapped him.

The next day when the teacher saw him with his face red and asked what happened, Mohammad said, ‘Madam, four hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Arabs’.

America

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn’t Make America Great Again

We’ll return him back to you.

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Missouri

By keeping the first one going

[removed]

America.

Because we can’t defend towers

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

There would be mass confusion.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

A tourist.

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know you’re a foreign spy!”

Smith: “WHAT? No! I’m a real American, I can name all 46 Presidents of the United States, in order, with the dates of their inaugurations and their Vice Presidents.”

Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”

Smith: “You’re all wrong! I can name all fifty states, US territories, and all their capitals!”

Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”

Smith: “Wait… I know every word of the national anthem, the pledge of allegiance, the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!”

Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”

Smith: “Ok, I submit, I’m a Russian spy under a fake name. But… how could you tell?”

Perry: “Because Americans don’t know any of those things.”

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he’s finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

“What is this?” he asks.

“Don’t ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I’m bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!”

The guard lets him through, and he is able to go on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin.

“What is this?” he asks.

“Don’t ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself the the mistakes of the past.”

The guard lets him through, and he is able to go into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying. After reuniting with them, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, “Papa, who is this?”

The man smiles and says, “my son, don’t ask me *who* this is, ask me *what* this! This, my son, is 18 pounds of gold!”

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he’s black, doesn’t mean he’s going to shoot anyone

Thanks Frankie Boyle

Starbucks and McDonald’s have a combined total of 0 museums.

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

Toledo

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn’t believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. “What are you going to do with all these mobile phones asked the officer?

“Oh, they are not for me. My mate Mick, who is in a band, knew I was going over to America asked me to bring him back Two saxophones.

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

But I know that can’t possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, “Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.”

So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, “funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal…”

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

Captain Vietnam

Thanks God I’m from the other 25%

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”

The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor”.

Then the chief asked: “Is it the governor?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor”.

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President”.

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”

The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur”.

I mean… this diabetes is going to cost me an arm and a leg!

The United States of America.

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

>In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

… unless they’re flashing behind you.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

He wants to make America grate again.

In China, dogs are E10.

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

And sharks get a whole week.

It’s probably because they are great whites.

In Europe we call them Royals

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Couldn’t get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey’s. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Pounds?”

It depends what state it’s in

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness – I’m not even sure what to call you?”

“It’s okay, my son, say what you want to say.”

“Well, when they told me who I’d be driving, I was really thrilled. It’s such an honor, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I’ll do my best to make sure it happens.”

The Pope thought for a while, then replied, “You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving. I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere. Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?”

The limousine driver agreed and the two switched places.

After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising. However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop.

The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said, “Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment”, then returned to his bike and got on the radio.

“Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

The Chief responded: “Don’t tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?”

“No, I think this person is more important.”

“Not our Governor?!”

“No, I believe more important than the Governor.”

“Johnson, tell me you didn’t pull over a Presidential Motorcade.”

“No, they may be even more important than the President.”

“What? Really? Who’s more important than the President?”

“Hell if I know, but the Pope’s driving.”

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

And all I got was this lousy diploma

In Saudi Arabia, “five finger discount” means you got caught shoplifting.

In Russia, recruitment office go to you!

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

Now I just need to start the process of becoming a Navy SEAL!

They’re calling the new company CapitalJuan